Sunday, September 2, 2012

Wishing We Had a Schedule

I'm over it. It didn't work. I have serious doubts that DE will ever work. So, can we just get the show on the road and move on with it, then?

That's where I'm at. I know this break is good for me mentally, physically, financially. And, I am very much looking forward to our vacation in five weeks. But, still, I am ready to get the next cycle done. I already am plotting our final attempt for after this next DE cycle fails. Most likely DEmbryo in Europe. DH said that we can try something radical and crazy if this next cycle doesn't work. So, my head's already going there. I know I shouldn't. I should keep myself in the present, try to stay positive for the next DE cycle - maybe it was just bad luck. Maybe all the pills DH is taking right now will help. Maybe our next donor will have a super cycle. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I'm tired of the maybes and want an answer.

I know we'll probably be hearing from the clinic in 2-5 weeks with a new donor match. And, 2-5 weeks is nothing really. But, I'm growing more and more impatient, obviuously. 

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Coming out the other side...

Boy, that was a rough few weeks. It's amazing how each failure only seems to get harder, when it seems impossible that this can get any worse.

But, I feel physically more like myself for the first time in months, which is nice. And, we have a plan again, even with a back-up plan! Having a plan, no matter how scary it is, helps settle me down.

The psychologist I saw even remarked on how much better I seemed this week. I have hope again, which is probably/definitely foolish. But, I can't help it. Having a plan makes it feel like there's a chance that we could actually have a baby. On top of that, I cannot forget those positive HPTs, even though they were worrisome at the time, they were also so damn full of hope for us. Sigh.

My immune and blood-clotting tests came back normal. DH's sperm DNA fragmentation test came back poor to fair. Our WTF wasn't particularly enlightening. Our RE basically boiled it down to bad luck, and doesn't buy into any significance with the sperm DNA test. She ordered karyotyping for DH and an endometrial biopsy to rule out endometritis for me. DH will get the bloodwork done soon, and I'll have the biopsy done in mid-September. DH is now religiously taking an insane number of pills each day, following an antioxidant therapy plan to try to improve his sperm DNA.

So, we are going to move forward with another shared DE cycle. I am not confident in this choice, but I know it's what we need to do for DH and I'm making my peace with it. I don't think that it's out of the realm of possibility that DE will work for us. I just don't feel it's likely to make our dreams come true. My rational side would still rather move onto DEmbryo at this stage. However, DH and I are in this together. I have to respect his concerns, even if I cannot completely understand them. Plus, he's agreed that we can move onto DEmbryo if this next cycle does not work.

I spoke to our donor coordinator yesterday. She's going to send us profiles in mid- to late-September so that we might have a Nov. retrieval and transfer. My heart can't help but get a little excited about that, despite what my brain keeps telling it. Nov.'s not so far away, and maybe I could actually get pregnant this year.

Now's the time for getting back in shape physically and mentally and recharging for a cycle and potential pregnancy. That's my mission right now.

Monday, July 23, 2012

The Physical Toll

It's hard to separate the symptoms of depression from the after-effects of this past cycle. I feel like I am 100 years old. I am lethargic. My body aches after activity. I wake up exhausted and spend the better part of the day feeling like I just want to lay down.

I am trying to get back out there and do things - going to the gym, jogging, lots of gardening. But, everything I do is at a much less intense level than what I was doing just four months ago, and still I feel like crap all the time.

Depression? My body figuring out how to regulate itself after 12+ weeks of hormones? I don't know. But, I needed to put this down on paper, so to speak, in case we ever go through this again, so that I have something to compare to.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Still going

It's been a hard week. I think today is the first day I haven't cried since I don't know when. And, the day is still young!

I'm having a hard time dragging myself out of bed int he mornings, and motivating myself generally. I did manage to get in a jog this week, DH and I also made it to the gym one evening, and we walked the dog together this morning. So, I'm getting out there little by little. The blueberries are in full swing, and now beans, zucchini and raspberries are coming, so I'm staying busy - just not in a way that actually distracts me from my alternating despair and hope.

Yes, I still have hope, which is amazing. I'm hoping that my blood work indicates I have some immunological issues that are treatable. I'm hoping that DH's DNA tests come back good. I'm hoping that we feel confident enough in some protocol changes to invest in one more DE try. And, I hope that it can still work.

Bit, then there's the ever-present despair, too. I feel like I need to accept that we will be child-free, and figure out how to make that a life I can enjoy - not just get through. I feel so utterly disgusted with my body for its many failures right now that I can't imagine how I'd ever truly enjoy myself or feel strong and confident again.

But, I'm still here. Still plugging away, and moving through this grief.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Be Careful What You Wish For

AF arrived with a vengeance last night. Glad she came, but the cramping and heavy flow suck.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Still Waiting

I never feel like these cycles are truly over until I get AF. With both of my OE IVFs, she came 5 days after stopping PIO. Not this time. My last PIO was Sun. and here it is Sat. - come on, already. I expect it's going to be physically uncomfortable from the nice lining I had. So, really, I'd rather just get it over with.

I came down with a cold this week, after DH did. Felt appropriate, and conveniently helped disguise some crying fits at work, as I was blowing my nose all day long anyway... The last several weeks of high anxiety have physically drained me.  I feel like once my period comes and goes, I can get back on track.

I found out yesterday that my RE told our shared recipient that she might have twins cooking based on her betas. That was a small stab to the heart. I also know that our shared recipient has been in my shoes before, with a c/p on her first DE IVF, so I really can't be jealous. DH thinks her success has nothing to do with us. In a way, I know he's right - that IVF always comes down to a crapshoot at the end. However, this does confirm that our donor had a reasonable cycle, and that there may still be issues with us. In the end, I am glad that it worked for her, and that our donor's cycle wasn't a total bust. I am just bitterly disappointed that it didn't work for us this time, too.

And, I'm saddened by bad news all around on the two boards I most frequent. A woman losing her baby at 40 weeks, early losses from DE IVF, and straight out BFNs from perfect cycles... I hate IF not just for me, but for all the deserving, hard-working, dedicated and strong women who struggle hard with it.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Recurrent Pregnancy Loss - Say What?!

My nurse called me first thing this morning to say sorry that the cycle didn't work out and that my RE would like me to do some Recurrent Pregnancy Loss (RPL) screening. My initial thought was "Do you think you're talking to another patient? I've never even been pregnant - never mind had recurrent loss." (Yes, I thought this, despite my post of a few days ago.)

I think a major defense mechanism against the guilt I feel for yet another failure kicked in. I mean - we gave up on my eggs. They were supposedly the problem. Now, you want to start looking for more problems with me? What about DH?! We've never even gotten to go to blast before transfer - couldn't that have something to do with his DNA? Furthermore, the only pregnancy he's caused (with his first wife - a decade ago) ended in early miscarriage. So, clearly there were chromosomal abnormalities then...

After I calmed down a little, I realized that indeed, finding out more information about me could be very helpful, or at least could prevent us from wasting more money on another cycle that's doomed from the start. It's just hard when I'm in this fragile state of coping with another BFN to take in that there could be more wrong with me - that I even screwed up a donor egg cycle.

But, I'm sticking to my guns that DH needs the sperm DNA fragmentation test done, too. I know it's not widely accepted by REs as proof of anything. However, I couldn't bear to put myself through another cycle, if we knew he has a high percentage of fragmentation.

Frankly, I think I am ready to move onto donor embryo, though it means a lot more waiting. Unfortunately, DH still isn't there. And, maybe never will be. I understand his concerns on a rational level, but I am hurt by them just the same. He thinks because I would get to carry a DEmbryo child that I would feel it's "mine" and not "ours." After all of the struggles we've been through together, I am sad that he thinks that way. But, hey, maybe I'm so screwed up that even a perfect 5-day blast from a proven batch of embryos wouldn't even survive in me anyway.

God, I hate being back at square one - only now it's a square one out of an Escher print - where everything is upside down, convoluted, and not the way you think it should be.


Monday, July 2, 2012

And, now I'm not

Foolish, foolish me for getting my hopes up over the weekend. BFN today. F*ck you IF for giving me this last week of undulating hope.

Saturday, June 30, 2012

13dp3dt - I'm a Little Pregnant

I haven't updated this because over the last several days I have bounced between such high hopes and such utter despair that even I could not keep up with my vacillations.

The brief run-down is that when I got home from work on Tues., I rummaged through the garbage to stare at my pee stick from the morning and swore I saw a faint line. I also swore I saw a faint line on an Internet cheapie (IC) pee stick. Cue insane regaining of hope and guilt for having cried my eyes out the night before. Wed. morning, I definitely saw a faint line on both FRER and IC. So, did DH. Cue more hope and optimism, and a relatively good day.

Thurs. morning - beta day, I got the same very faint line. Cue worry and anxiety that this is a chemical. Then, the dr. calls with a beta of only 21. I didn't freak out immediately. I was not happy, but I didn't start bawling. I went for a walk to call DH, and found another 4-leaf clover. Thought it was a sign not to give up hope yet. Nevertheless, I spend my afternoon at work scouring the betabase and looking for low beta success stories, only to become convinced that this can only be a chemical. Reading about others' positive betas on pved.org only hurt. I go home and cry my eyes out some more and try to force DH into a conversation about what we do next. Stupid, stupid me. He's not ready. I tell him Iwon't POAS until Sun.

Fri. passes. I had finally gotten some sleep and I made it through a day with only a few tears. However, I was very crampy and felt like I was getting my period. So, I really felt like the PIO was just stringing me along and preventing what really wanted to happen (get my period) from happening.

Sat. morning - this morning - I wake up and think I just want to know if it's gone so that I don't have to feel guilty about doing a lot of gardening in high heat. So, I ask DH to let me POAS (he had hidden them from me). He does, begrdugingly. And, the line is darker! it's still not as dark as the control line, but it's definitely darker.

I don't feel out of the woods by any means. I still believe this could be a chemical, or we could find a sac with no yolk on first u/s. However, I'm back to feeling like I'm a little pregnant today. I hope, beyond hope, that we get an awesome beta on Mon. I figure anything over 100 would be a good sign. Ideally, something more like 125 would mean it's back on a pretty normal track of doubling not quite every 36 hours. We'll see. I hope I'm not hanging out in limbo for another couple of weeks. My fragile heart and mind don't handle it very well at all.


Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Big Fat Fail

Negative at 9dp3dt. It's over as far as I'm concerned, though I'll probably test once more tomorrow morning. Beta is not until Thurs.

I feel like the biggest fool and failure ever. What ever made me think this could work for us?

Today, I'm finally going to call the therapist whose name I've looked up a thousand times before. My head's telling me it's time to move onto adoption, but I'm SO UTTERLY TERRIFIED of even the thought of going through that process. And, frankly, I don't think my H will provide the support and responsibility necessary toget us through that process. Besides, who would ever want to give us a child? I just can't see it happening.

My heart keeps telling me to try one more time - this time with donor egg and donor sperm.

Then again, maybe we should just give up, and save our money to buy a little land.

The reality is it's not my decision alone. So, not only do I need to figure out what I want, but I have to work it through with H.

Shit, we've paid our dues so many f*ing times already. Why do we keep having to make difficult decisions.

The worst insult of all of this is me having to go to work and try to get through unspeakably miserable days because I've already used too much times towards this cycle.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Negative

8dp3dt, and negative on a FRER HPT this morning.

I did some grieving yesterday by myself. My H won't believe this is over until Thurs., after I get the call. Maybe I should tell our nurse to call him instead, so he can be the one who gets an unpleasant call for once.

My mind is already churning with what to do next. I don't think H will go along with what I want to do next. And, it truly will be our last ditch effort. At some point, I have to move on from this dream.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Legacies

Woke up this morning convinced that this cycle is a bust. I just know it. And, I'm pissed about it.

I know that it's still early, I'm only 7dp3dt. I know that some women never experience any symptoms. I know other women experience symptoms and get BFNs. I know it's not over until the fat lady sings. And, I know I'd be telling anyone else in my shoes to try to stay neutral, if not positive.

But, none of that means a damn thing to me today. I just know deep down that this did not work, that we just blew $21k, that we aren't even any f*ing closer to knowing whether an embryo made of my H's sperm can make it to blast stage. F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! I want to call it quits. I'm so tired of the intense stress of cycling. I'm so tired of waiting. I'm so angry at the world. Yet, I'm terrified of giving up.

H was talking last night about how he's getting worried about being old when our kid is in high school. I appreciate his concern, but I am on a totally different wavelength. My concerns surround us never having a child, which is looking more and more likely. Neither of us has a career we love. H doesn't know what he wants to do, and I'll never have the financial backing to do what I want to do. We barely have any friends after the last two years of isolating ourselves. We've fallen out of touch with our families. All I can imagine when I think of the rest of my life without children is a lonely, miserable life. We'll leave no legacies. We'll have made no mark on this world. And, one of us could be very lonely with no one to care for him/her late in life. And, that makes me so unbelievably sad.

I don't understand what we did to deserve this. All of this. It sucks and it's so unfair.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

PIO Settling In

I couldn't sleep much last night, and my breasts were sore yesterday. All of this I am confident is just the PIO getting to me. I had a dull cramp in my lower abdomen yesterday, but not sure whether it was my uterus or intestinal. And, I had some twinges in my back this morning while walking the dog, but those could just be from lack of exercise and stretching. So, basically, I'm not experiencing any signs that make me think this has worked.

In fact, I'm already doing calculations to figure out when we might be able to attempt this again. And, I'm looking more seriously at DE abroad. My DH doesn't like ti when I get ahead of myself like this, but he and I operate very differently. I am a driven and motivated person. I need to know what the next goal is. He is much more relaxed and in the moment.

These next few days are cruel.

Friday, June 22, 2012

Not Feeling It

I feel cooped up and slothful. I don't feel pregnant - not that I would know what that feels like, anyway.

The crazies have really set in. I look at a calendar countless times a day, counting and re-counting the days between transfer and beta. And the following conversation in my head is on an endless loop:

"Should I POAS on Monday? Sunday would be far too early, right? I'd be bummed if it were negative, so I should really try to hold out until Tues. But, I've tested early before, and when it was what I thought might be too early, I moved on OK."

ACK! According to this: http://www.nyufertilitycenter.org/ivf/embryo_transfer the embryo(s) should begin implantation today. I'm 5dpt. I hope that's what's going on in there!

Monday, June 18, 2012

Trying to Convince Myself

that I'm pregnant until proven otherwise. It's not going so well, though.

I had just gotten back from walking the dog and was starting to water some things in the garden, when we got the call at 7:15 yesterday morning. I knew immediately that them calling us early meant that we were doing a 3dt. Indeed. I guess all six were still growing, but two were clearly better than the others. So, we both took quick showers and hopped in the car. Fortunately, early Sun. morning traffic was nothing and we got down there in record time - probably about 10am. Still, it was a long, tense ride. I tried not to cry, but couldn't help it. I had so wanted to make it to a 5dt. I felt like we were just repeating our OE transfers. I actually worked myself up to the point of not even wanting to go through with it. Things got tense between me and DH for a minute. But, we recovered.

As bad as this sounds, I focused on what I'd be saving my money for if this doesn't work - a small house with decent land for me to farm. I just felt so done with all of this IF crap, and these life-hanging-in-the-balance moments that I wanted to concentrate on something tangible - something that I know I could make happen with hard work. DH played along to keep the peace and keep me from crying.

So, we got there feeling OK, and as ready as we could be. They took us in pretty quickly, and had us meet the embryologist. We were transferring an 8-cell and a 7-cell, both graded A- because of some fragmentation. They'd watch the others, but I have no doubt that there will be nothing to freeze. Popped the valium, got changed and headed in. It was SO COLD in the OR. Even my DH, who is normally a furnace, was cold. I could not stop shivering. They checked out my bladder - a little too full. So, I emptied a little.

And, then we were off. It was nice to have DH in the room this time. He held my hand under the blankets. The transfer itself was super smooth and easy. The dilapan really did make a difference. There was minimal poking and it was much faster than ever. The doctor even said before he left that it went much easier than expected, and it was a great transfer. From there, it was 30 minutes of hanging out, and feeling groggy from the valium. Then, I got dressed and got in the back seat of the car, where I laid down and slept much of the way home. Of course, traffic was much worse on the way home, and my DH was exasperated in the last hour, but he did it.

Found out later that the other recipient also transferred a 7-cell and 8-cell yesterday. I think we just missed each other at the clinic. I guess it's good that 4 out of a total of 10 embryos from this group of eggs looked good on day 3.

So, here I am in the dreaded 2ww. I hate this part with a passion. My goal is to make huge progress on a sweater I started a few months ago. I screwed it up royally and had to rip out half of it, which demoralized me and made me reluctant to pick it back up. But, it's a good goal for the next 10 days - finish sweater. I was told I could go back to my routine today, just no exercising and heavy lifting. but, I decided I'd take one more day to just lounge around, so that I can try to convince myself that I'm pregnant until proven otherwise. 

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Waiting

A big part of cycling, whether IVF or DE IVF involves agonizing waits. Waiting for ER. Waiting to hear the fert. report following ER. Waiting to determine when you'll transfer (if you have a few number of embryos like us). And, then, of course, the dreaded 2ww.

We are currently waiting to find out whether the lab wants us to do a 3-day or 5-day transfer. We have to call at 8am tomorrow, and then either hop in the car immediately to make the trek, or we wait until Tues. I hope we make it 'til Tues. We've never transferred a blastocyst. I will feel a little more hopeful, if we could make it to that stage. But, only 15 more hours will tell.....

Yikes, I forgot to report ER results. They weren't great compared to her previous cycles. 12 eggs were split between us and the other recipient (whom I've "met" by chance through pved.org). I was disappointed in the number of eggs we had to work with; however, I was pleased that all 6 fertilized normally with ICSI. 

Thursday, June 14, 2012

ER Day

I don't know how it's possible that we've reached ER. It seems like we've been waiting forever, yet also like we're moving at warp speed all of a sudden.

So, DH drove down to our clinic very early this morning to do his thing. He's already left the clinic, so I feel a little relief that at least his part is done, he delivered our card to the donor, and we paid yet another bill. But, now, I wait. I ended up taking the day off from work because I had planned on going with him. However, it's cheaper for me to get b/w done here, and I needed to do that this morning, so we decided I'd stay behind. I should have went to work instead of wasting a day off. Or, at the very least, I should be doing work now. But, I am so nervous, anxious and distracted that I can't get my head into anything.

I hope to have more news about how our donor did today. Definitely, more news tomorrow when we get the fert. report. Please, please, please let it all be good news.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Where to Begin?

It's been a busy and tough week. We headed down to NJ very early Monday morning for the dilapan treatment. DH started out driving, though I offered. I should have insisted because he started practically falling asleep at the wheel. So, I had to keep him awake until we got over the GW and I took over the driving.

The dilapan wasn't fun going in, but not too bad. And, during the four hours it was in, I could feel it, but not in a painful way. More of an odd, sometimes uncomfortable, sensation. Once it was in, and I had blood drawn, we were sent away. So, we went over to a nearby county park with stunning gardens and an arboretum. The weather wasn't great, but we walked around some, ate in the car, and then I walked around quite a bit more. We headed back to the clinic, the doctor quickly fished the dilapan out and showed it to me - not very impressive looking at all. I paid the bill and we were off thinking we might just beat rush hour on I-95 through Fairfield County. And, we might have, if a couple of belts and the alternator didn't go right after we reached CT. We ended up leaving the car at a service station, hopping on a train, calling one of my brothers and getting a ride home. This, of course, meant I had to tell a brother who claimed he knew nothing of our infertility pursuits a little bit about them. It also meant that the very next day, we had to make the trip back down to get the car, and pay that bill... Not a great start to the week.

Then, yesterday, was my lining check. I was so nervous about it, for no good reason other than everything single thing about this cycle has provoked high anxiety for me. Well, my lining checked out just fine - 9.7 when the clinic requires at least an 8. Nevertheless, I hit the car and had a breakdown. I had fought with DH the night before and just felt depleted, sad and scared. It only got worse after work. I called a very dear friend I've known since high school, who I'd been playing phone tag with for some weeks. She's a very busy college professor with two small children, so we hadn't spoken in quite some time. She knew we were exploring the DE route, but no details of where we were in the process. Turns out she's 6 months pregnant.

That news hit me like a ton of bricks. I started my big ugly, can't-breath sobbing immediately and tried to get off the phone with her, but she kept talking and crying about how she knew this would be hard for me to hear and how awful she felt, etc. I couldn't tell what hurt worse - that she hadn't told me such huge news (even though, I know she didn't for all the right reasons), or just the news itself. And, six months already! I ended up telling here just where we stand in our process, even though I haven't told anyone else. I told her I wished I could feel positive enough to think how fun it would be to be pregnant at the same time for a short period, but I just don't. All I feel is a horrible dread that this will not work for us, she will have another baby, and I will not be able to get over myself enough to be able to continue my friendship with her. I feel like a self-centered jerk about that, but i just can't see how any of this will ever feel OK to me if we can't have a baby.

Finally, where does one begin to write a thank-you card to a stranger who may forever be linked to you through the amazing gift of a life? That is tonight's task. I have a pretty good draft that I want DH to review. It's short, not overly gushing or informative about us, but very sincere in our appreciation. I haven't asked the clinic how she's doing. I'm not sure I want to know. I sort of just want to wait to hear the number of normally fertilized embryos we have. It's kind of nice to feel like our donor's response is so out of my control that I don't even want to know about it. When it was my own body, even though I knew logically it was out of my control, it didn't feel like it should be. It was my body, dammit, I wanted to control it. So, even though, I'm coming apart at the seams from anxiety and stress, I've at least relinquished that aspect of this cycle. 


Friday, June 1, 2012

Realizations

As I turned the calendar page this morning, two things struck me. First, today marks two years since we first started trying to conceive. Second, our donor's retrieval should be in about two weeks (gasp)! Wow. How is it possible that I've spent the past two years so narrowly focused on this one goal? It's not quite like sitting down in front of the computer for a minute, and suddenly realizing an hour's gone by. I mean, my life has generally continued in spite of my devotion to the task at hand. But, this journey has certainly been my primary preoccupation while life moved on around me for the past two years. 

I have changed because of IF. I don't know that all of the changes are permanent - at least, I hope not. I have isolated myself, I have become self-centered, mean, angry, and alarmingly jealous. At the same time, I have been incredibly humbled. I cannot achieve anything I want by working very hard at it. That's been and continues to be such a hard pill for my Puritan work ethic to swallow. I cannot do everything by myself. That was a hard realization for my fierce independent streak. I need my husband. I need his help just to keep my head above water sometimes. And, this is OUR problem, so it's OK to be weak in front of him and tell him I need his help.

I hope I maintain some of the humility and patience I have gained through this process - regardless of whether we ever have a child. But, I really hope that I can find a way to shed some of this bitter anger, if we never do reach the goal. I believe that it will subside should we be successful. But, I fear it will never go away if we're not.

Now, onto the second realization. Holy crap, it's June! In less than a week, I'll know whether my lining is good. In two weeks, we'll know how many eggs we got and maybe a fertilization report. In three weeks, I hope we'll have transferred. And, in four weeks, we'll know if this whole complicated experiment has worked. I am scared out of my wits. I can't believe it's here already. I've been going through the motions of the cycle, but I have felt detached from it still. I am terrified to have hope, but it's within me nonetheless. I realized that today. 

Friday, May 25, 2012

Fields of Clover

I found a third 4-leaf clover last night. Maybe my part of the world is just full of mutants... Or, maybe the three symbolize those involved in this cycle: me, the donor and DH. I'm contemplating what to do with them all. Perhaps each of us needs to get one somehow. I don't know what I think about giving our donor a gift. I can't get my head to think that far in advance yet. I do know we will at least give a heartfelt card. Perhaps, I will make a card with one of these clovers.

Got Nurse Hatchet for b/w this morning. I loathed getting this woman during my cycles last year. She is scary and she really bruised me last year. Anyway, I'm a little worried the clinic's not going to get my results today because she didn't put a "stat" sticker on my order sheet. The order did say results were needed by 4pm today, so my hope is that the lab reads the sheet. I was more worried about the fact that she was telling met o leave when she had my vial of blood with no name on it and hadn't printed a label yet. I asked, "don't we need to label it and make sure it's the correct label?" "Oh, yeah." I didn't see her put the label on the vial, but she was holding the sticker on one finger and the vial in her other hand, so I assume that at least happened...

I'm a little nervous about camping and hiking this weekend. I feel so lethargic and heavy. I'm also not keen on worrying about whether the lupron is staying cool. I'm sure it will all be fine, and so long as I can hike, I'll be happy to be away. I just wish I was already in the delestrogen phase. I so badly want to feel more like myself and have more energy again. I start it on Monday, thankfully.

OK, we're off to the mountains.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Chugging Along

I got a little headache last night during a meeting, but I think it was more from the room being hotter than Hades and the fact that I hadn't drank enough or eaten in a while. Still, I wondered if it was the Lupron.

Just waiting for a period now and taking the Lupron. I'm getting excited for our annual camping weekend coming up, so I'd kind of like the period to come sooner than later....

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Trying Not to Get Ahead of Myself

I'm in the weird state of imagining when we'd hit certain milestones if this cycle works, while at the same time figuring out how I'm going to console myself if this fails. I'm already indulging in too much anxiety-eating, and was really disheartened at my weight last week. I'm up 10 lbs. since we started trying. I'm still fit and active, but my clothes don't fit right, or at all, and I just feel gross - one more thing IF has cursed me with.

Anyhow, I do really wish I was a berry farmer and make money at it. So, I grow a lot in my back yard to get my fix. I'm happy to report that I have a very good crop of blueberries coming along, and expect I'll indulge in a heck of a lot of pie and cobbler should this cycle fail....

Friday, May 18, 2012

And, they're off!

I started lupron last night! I finally feel like this cycle is underway. I also had to do bloodwork in the morning, so I feel good about the communication between the two clinics. My husband gave me a sweet card last night thanking me for all I have gone through and will go through for us and our dreams. It made my night.

It's been seven months since we decided on DE. It feels good, yet strange, to finally be doing it.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Addition to the Plan

My nurse called yesterday and said she had been reviewing my file, and saw that the mock transfer was "difficult," so my Dr. wants me to come in on 6/4 and get a dilapan treatment. Cue a mild mental freak-out. I have a "tricky" cervix that has a big curve in it. Dilapan is apparently a metal rod that is inserted into the cervix where it absorbs moisture and expands, thereby dilating and softening the cervix. A doctor inserts it, you wait 4 hours and then a doctor takes it out. Sounds like fun, doesn't it?

The clinic likes to do it after the second dose of Delestrogen - two weeks before estimated transfer. It will cost an additional $325 (plus the day off from work, 6+ hour drive, tolls, etc.). The dilation effects are supposed to last 4 weeks. I had never heard of this, and still have only found a couple of women on-line who've done this prior to an IVF transfer. I'm still annoyed with my clinic for not mentioning this to me until 2 days before the start of my cycle, but I've accepted that I just need to do it and hope that it is just one more step on our way to success.

My meds just arrived. It cracks me up that they send a tiny sharps container with about 5 times the volume of needles that could ever possibly fit in it. I'm very, very nervous, but I'm ready to get started tomorrow.

Now, time to liven this site up a little with some photos. Here's what it took my insurance company to deny us coverage for this cycle:
Something like 14 individual envelopes , each with 4 pages in them - all of which were the same, save the name of the particular procedure... Ridiculous!

Friday, May 11, 2012

Phew!

I thought I was going to have a full-blown panic attack yesterday. I've never had one, but the pit in my stomach coupled, heaviness in my chest and rapid heartbeat I had going were not normal!

I was waiting on two things. The first was the pharmacy to call back for payment. I knew roughly what the costs should be, but for some reason, not knowing the exact amount was freaking me out. I think it's just the major outflow from our savings this week had me really on edge. Anyway, I got the call just before lunch. Holy crap! Meds for a non-DOR woman are so much cheaper! Meds for me and DH were about $560 with insurance picking up some things like the steroids and doxy. Our share of the donor's meds, was just over $1000. Meds for my first IVF were $10,000! So, PHEW! I felt better on that front.

There remained the issue of the satellite monitoring coordinator at my old clinic not calling me back after leaving two messages. Our DE clinic wanted to know how to handle orders for me, starting next week. I was getting anxious because she just wasn't calling me back. I finally tracked her down through a receptionist and we got it all squared away. At least, I hope so. So, phew again!

I felt a little better today, though tired. Right now, I'm very focused on me. I feel bad about it in the sense that I know my DH is starting to freak out, too, but I just don't feel like I can be the support for him. I'm trying to hard just to keep myself together. It also means that I'm not thinking very much about our donor. And, I'm starting to realize that this is a defense mechanism. I haven't looked at her profile since we signed on with her. I feel like I'm trying not to get attached to her because I'm so afraid this isn't going to work. I'm sure this will all change as the cycle moves forward, but for now, I'm just concentrating on doing everything I can to make sure I'm ready for this - success or failure.

Next stop, gyn. appointment on Monday to make sure my pap is up-to-date. That ought to be fun. I haven't seen her since she referred us to our old clinic in Nov. 2010. But, I know she's gotten a lot of paperwork on various aspects of cycling...

Please, let this work.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Got Our Schedule!!!!!

I start Lupron (after a pregnancy blood test - HA!) on May 17th! Our donor's retrieval should be around June 13th, and transfer around June 18th.

Please, please, let us have good embryos to transfer.

I am in full-on anxious mode. I can't believe we're moving ahead. While I am still scared to death of this not working, and terrified of getting too hopeful, I keep finding myself thinking things like, I've got to get x, y, and z done now because I might not be able to come July - mostly things in the garden. Sometimes, I think I'm just jinxing myself by trying to set up a garden that can go without too much TLC for a few weeks. Other times, I say to myself, "you'll be glad you did this."

Please, universe, let this be the answer for us.

To try to calm my bugged-out head, I made a training plan to get me to transfer day. I wasn't able to do that half-marathon at the end of April because I sort of fell apart physically and mentally in the those last two weeks, but I did the 5k and I'm still running. So, I devised a training plan to keep me motivated and keep me feelng fit and healthy going into transfer.

And,Ii bought a bunch of relaxation and meditation MP3s that I've started to listen to. I used IVf-specific ones during my previous cycles. I think I will go back to those for transfer and beyond. but, this time, general relaxation and mindfulness programs are actually much more helpful for the myriad thoughts and anxieties coursing through my body.  Haven't gotten through all of them yet, but I'm liking them so far.

Only two more weeks of awful BCPs. Yippee!!!!

Please, please, please let all of this work...

Saturday, April 28, 2012

BCPs and Anxiety Are a Dangerous Combination

I'm in my fourth week of BCPs, and am beyond HATING them. I am mean, enraged, breaking out and hardly even want to be looked at, never mind touched by my husband. These things SUCK.

I e-mailed my nurse last week to see if i really needed to stay on them since it seemed like it could still be a while before we get going. That's when I found out that another recipient matched with our donor, and that our donor was told to come in when she starts her period to get her testing done. So, we are almost on our way! Very exciting, scary, crazy, etc. Needless to say, I was told to stay on the dreaded BCPs. I also had to run around like a crazy woman getting a follow-up breast ultrasound done last week. As far as I know, that came back fine and I'm now done with my requirements.

So, I was looking at the sample schedule we got during our consult. I'm sort of guessing that we're headed for 3rd-4th week of June for retrieval and transfer. That's if we can get started in a couple of weeks. While I'm anxious for that, I can honestly say that at this point, I just want to get off these freaking pills. My entire household - husband, dog and myself - are miserable.

Friday, April 6, 2012

We're Back in the Game

So, what's been going on since January? A lot, and not much. We went for our consult with an out-of-state clinic for DE, and liked the program. So, we decided to do a shared DE cycle with them. Our first meeting was Feb. 20th. I had some follow up things to do, like get a mammogram and make sure my annual is up to date. But, we knew that it was going to take some weeks to get matched with a donor, especially for a shared cycle. So, I scheduled things, but was in no hurry. We also were thrilled to find out that my H's numbers improved significantly in the SA he did with them. I hope that the combination of him having not touched a cigarette in many months, exercising more, and taking COq10 and a daily vitamin is paying off.

So, we waited. All through March, we waited. Work was thankfully very busy for me, so that helped keep my mind off things. And, we decided to try another half-marathon at the end of April, so training for that has kept me sane. Nevertheless, the wait was really starting to get to me. My anxiety level was sky high.

Then, on April 2nd, we received a donor profile. And, we both liked her a lot. I was so extremely relieved that it wasn't hard for either of us to say yes to her. She has had two previously successful cycles with our clinic, both of which resulted in frozen embryos, even though the clinic has very strict freezing standards. After our nurse and donor coordinator answered a couple of questions, we accepted her the next day. Unfortunately, we still have to wait. They were supposed to send her profile to another couple looking to do a shared cycle this week, but we haven't heard anything else. So, it may take a little while to get the other recipient matched.

Regardless, I feel like we have taken a HUGE step forward. We have a donor. I have hope that this could work. I'm terrified of the hope I have, but am going to go with it for now. And, things are falling into place. I started BCPs this week. I hate them because last time my adjustment to them was rough. But, I'm also sort of glad to have started them so that I know I won't have my period for the half-marathon coming up. My mammogram is a week from today. I am scared that some roadblock will present itself because of that, though I have no reason to think that. And, my annual is scheduled for next month, but I don't lapse until June anyway.
So, I'm back, and hope to keep updating this blog more frequently now, if only to keep a log for myself.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

New Year, New Clinic

I think we have finally decided that we are going to a different clinic. That only took 2.5 months. DH asked me a question last week that finally put it all in perspective for me. He asked whether I'd regret not going to the new clinic if we failed at our current one. And, undoubtedly, I would. I love our clinic, but the new one has been equally as responsive, informative, similar pricing and consistently higher success rates, plus a shorter wait time. So, of course, I would kick myself for not going to the most accessible clinic with the best success rates. If it fails there, I will feel like we have the sh*ttiest luck ever, but I don't think I'll second-guess going there.

It feels good to know what we're doing to some extent. Our first appointment there is in 6 weeks. For some reason, I feel anxious this week. I think it's eagerness to get started on some process again, mixed with utter terror that this is our last chance and I have no idea how I'll survive if it doesn't work.

Anyway, here's hoping 2012 is a good year!