Wishing We Had a Schedule

I'm over it. It didn't work. I have serious doubts that DE will ever work. So, can we just get the show on the road and move on with it, then?

That's where I'm at. I know this break is good for me mentally, physically, financially. And, I am very much looking forward to our vacation in five weeks. But, still, I am ready to get the next cycle done. I already am plotting our final attempt for after this next DE cycle fails. Most likely DEmbryo in Europe. DH said that we can try something radical and crazy if this next cycle doesn't work. So, my head's already going there. I know I shouldn't. I should keep myself in the present, try to stay positive for the next DE cycle - maybe it was just bad luck. Maybe all the pills DH is taking right now will help. Maybe our next donor will have a super cycle. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I'm tired of the maybes and want an answer.

I know we'll probably be hearing from the clinic in 2-5 weeks with a new donor match. And, 2-5 weeks is nothing really. But, I'm growing more and more impatient, obviuously. 

Coming out the other side...

Boy, that was a rough few weeks. It's amazing how each failure only seems to get harder, when it seems impossible that this can get any worse.

But, I feel physically more like myself for the first time in months, which is nice. And, we have a plan again, even with a back-up plan! Having a plan, no matter how scary it is, helps settle me down.

The psychologist I saw even remarked on how much better I seemed this week. I have hope again, which is probably/definitely foolish. But, I can't help it. Having a plan makes it feel like there's a chance that we could actually have a baby. On top of that, I cannot forget those positive HPTs, even though they were worrisome at the time, they were also so damn full of hope for us. Sigh.

My immune and blood-clotting tests came back normal. DH's sperm DNA fragmentation test came back poor to fair. Our WTF wasn't particularly enlightening. Our RE basically boiled it down to bad luck, and doesn't buy into any significance with the sperm DNA test. She ordered karyotyping for DH and an endometrial biopsy to rule out endometritis for me. DH will get the bloodwork done soon, and I'll have the biopsy done in mid-September. DH is now religiously taking an insane number of pills each day, following an antioxidant therapy plan to try to improve his sperm DNA.

So, we are going to move forward with another shared DE cycle. I am not confident in this choice, but I know it's what we need to do for DH and I'm making my peace with it. I don't think that it's out of the realm of possibility that DE will work for us. I just don't feel it's likely to make our dreams come true. My rational side would still rather move onto DEmbryo at this stage. However, DH and I are in this together. I have to respect his concerns, even if I cannot completely understand them. Plus, he's agreed that we can move onto DEmbryo if this next cycle does not work.

I spoke to our donor coordinator yesterday. She's going to send us profiles in mid- to late-September so that we might have a Nov. retrieval and transfer. My heart can't help but get a little excited about that, despite what my brain keeps telling it. Nov.'s not so far away, and maybe I could actually get pregnant this year.

Now's the time for getting back in shape physically and mentally and recharging for a cycle and potential pregnancy. That's my mission right now.

The Physical Toll

It's hard to separate the symptoms of depression from the after-effects of this past cycle. I feel like I am 100 years old. I am lethargic. My body aches after activity. I wake up exhausted and spend the better part of the day feeling like I just want to lay down.

I am trying to get back out there and do things - going to the gym, jogging, lots of gardening. But, everything I do is at a much less intense level than what I was doing just four months ago, and still I feel like crap all the time.

Depression? My body figuring out how to regulate itself after 12+ weeks of hormones? I don't know. But, I needed to put this down on paper, so to speak, in case we ever go through this again, so that I have something to compare to.

Still going

It's been a hard week. I think today is the first day I haven't cried since I don't know when. And, the day is still young!

I'm having a hard time dragging myself out of bed int he mornings, and motivating myself generally. I did manage to get in a jog this week, DH and I also made it to the gym one evening, and we walked the dog together this morning. So, I'm getting out there little by little. The blueberries are in full swing, and now beans, zucchini and raspberries are coming, so I'm staying busy - just not in a way that actually distracts me from my alternating despair and hope.

Yes, I still have hope, which is amazing. I'm hoping that my blood work indicates I have some immunological issues that are treatable. I'm hoping that DH's DNA tests come back good. I'm hoping that we feel confident enough in some protocol changes to invest in one more DE try. And, I hope that it can still work.

Bit, then there's the ever-present despair, too. I feel like I need to accept that we will be child-free, and figure out how to make that a life I can enjoy - not just get through. I feel so utterly disgusted with my body for its many failures right now that I can't imagine how I'd ever truly enjoy myself or feel strong and confident again.

But, I'm still here. Still plugging away, and moving through this grief.

Be Careful What You Wish For

AF arrived with a vengeance last night. Glad she came, but the cramping and heavy flow suck.

Still Waiting

I never feel like these cycles are truly over until I get AF. With both of my OE IVFs, she came 5 days after stopping PIO. Not this time. My last PIO was Sun. and here it is Sat. - come on, already. I expect it's going to be physically uncomfortable from the nice lining I had. So, really, I'd rather just get it over with.

I came down with a cold this week, after DH did. Felt appropriate, and conveniently helped disguise some crying fits at work, as I was blowing my nose all day long anyway... The last several weeks of high anxiety have physically drained me.  I feel like once my period comes and goes, I can get back on track.

I found out yesterday that my RE told our shared recipient that she might have twins cooking based on her betas. That was a small stab to the heart. I also know that our shared recipient has been in my shoes before, with a c/p on her first DE IVF, so I really can't be jealous. DH thinks her success has nothing to do with us. In a way, I know he's right - that IVF always comes down to a crapshoot at the end. However, this does confirm that our donor had a reasonable cycle, and that there may still be issues with us. In the end, I am glad that it worked for her, and that our donor's cycle wasn't a total bust. I am just bitterly disappointed that it didn't work for us this time, too.

And, I'm saddened by bad news all around on the two boards I most frequent. A woman losing her baby at 40 weeks, early losses from DE IVF, and straight out BFNs from perfect cycles... I hate IF not just for me, but for all the deserving, hard-working, dedicated and strong women who struggle hard with it.

Recurrent Pregnancy Loss - Say What?!

My nurse called me first thing this morning to say sorry that the cycle didn't work out and that my RE would like me to do some Recurrent Pregnancy Loss (RPL) screening. My initial thought was "Do you think you're talking to another patient? I've never even been pregnant - never mind had recurrent loss." (Yes, I thought this, despite my post of a few days ago.)

I think a major defense mechanism against the guilt I feel for yet another failure kicked in. I mean - we gave up on my eggs. They were supposedly the problem. Now, you want to start looking for more problems with me? What about DH?! We've never even gotten to go to blast before transfer - couldn't that have something to do with his DNA? Furthermore, the only pregnancy he's caused (with his first wife - a decade ago) ended in early miscarriage. So, clearly there were chromosomal abnormalities then...

After I calmed down a little, I realized that indeed, finding out more information about me could be very helpful, or at least could prevent us from wasting more money on another cycle that's doomed from the start. It's just hard when I'm in this fragile state of coping with another BFN to take in that there could be more wrong with me - that I even screwed up a donor egg cycle.

But, I'm sticking to my guns that DH needs the sperm DNA fragmentation test done, too. I know it's not widely accepted by REs as proof of anything. However, I couldn't bear to put myself through another cycle, if we knew he has a high percentage of fragmentation.

Frankly, I think I am ready to move onto donor embryo, though it means a lot more waiting. Unfortunately, DH still isn't there. And, maybe never will be. I understand his concerns on a rational level, but I am hurt by them just the same. He thinks because I would get to carry a DEmbryo child that I would feel it's "mine" and not "ours." After all of the struggles we've been through together, I am sad that he thinks that way. But, hey, maybe I'm so screwed up that even a perfect 5-day blast from a proven batch of embryos wouldn't even survive in me anyway.

God, I hate being back at square one - only now it's a square one out of an Escher print - where everything is upside down, convoluted, and not the way you think it should be.

And, now I'm not

Foolish, foolish me for getting my hopes up over the weekend. BFN today. F*ck you IF for giving me this last week of undulating hope.

13dp3dt - I'm a Little Pregnant

I haven't updated this because over the last several days I have bounced between such high hopes and such utter despair that even I could not keep up with my vacillations.

The brief run-down is that when I got home from work on Tues., I rummaged through the garbage to stare at my pee stick from the morning and swore I saw a faint line. I also swore I saw a faint line on an Internet cheapie (IC) pee stick. Cue insane regaining of hope and guilt for having cried my eyes out the night before. Wed. morning, I definitely saw a faint line on both FRER and IC. So, did DH. Cue more hope and optimism, and a relatively good day.

Thurs. morning - beta day, I got the same very faint line. Cue worry and anxiety that this is a chemical. Then, the dr. calls with a beta of only 21. I didn't freak out immediately. I was not happy, but I didn't start bawling. I went for a walk to call DH, and found another 4-leaf clover. Thought it was a sign not to give up hope yet. Nevertheless, I spend my afternoon at work scouring the betabase and looking for low beta success stories, only to become convinced that this can only be a chemical. Reading about others' positive betas on pved.org only hurt. I go home and cry my eyes out some more and try to force DH into a conversation about what we do next. Stupid, stupid me. He's not ready. I tell him Iwon't POAS until Sun.

Fri. passes. I had finally gotten some sleep and I made it through a day with only a few tears. However, I was very crampy and felt like I was getting my period. So, I really felt like the PIO was just stringing me along and preventing what really wanted to happen (get my period) from happening.

Sat. morning - this morning - I wake up and think I just want to know if it's gone so that I don't have to feel guilty about doing a lot of gardening in high heat. So, I ask DH to let me POAS (he had hidden them from me). He does, begrdugingly. And, the line is darker! it's still not as dark as the control line, but it's definitely darker.

I don't feel out of the woods by any means. I still believe this could be a chemical, or we could find a sac with no yolk on first u/s. However, I'm back to feeling like I'm a little pregnant today. I hope, beyond hope, that we get an awesome beta on Mon. I figure anything over 100 would be a good sign. Ideally, something more like 125 would mean it's back on a pretty normal track of doubling not quite every 36 hours. We'll see. I hope I'm not hanging out in limbo for another couple of weeks. My fragile heart and mind don't handle it very well at all.

Big Fat Fail

Negative at 9dp3dt. It's over as far as I'm concerned, though I'll probably test once more tomorrow morning. Beta is not until Thurs.

I feel like the biggest fool and failure ever. What ever made me think this could work for us?

Today, I'm finally going to call the therapist whose name I've looked up a thousand times before. My head's telling me it's time to move onto adoption, but I'm SO UTTERLY TERRIFIED of even the thought of going through that process. And, frankly, I don't think my H will provide the support and responsibility necessary toget us through that process. Besides, who would ever want to give us a child? I just can't see it happening.

My heart keeps telling me to try one more time - this time with donor egg and donor sperm.

Then again, maybe we should just give up, and save our money to buy a little land.

The reality is it's not my decision alone. So, not only do I need to figure out what I want, but I have to work it through with H.

Shit, we've paid our dues so many f*ing times already. Why do we keep having to make difficult decisions.

The worst insult of all of this is me having to go to work and try to get through unspeakably miserable days because I've already used too much times towards this cycle.

Negative

8dp3dt, and negative on a FRER HPT this morning.

I did some grieving yesterday by myself. My H won't believe this is over until Thurs., after I get the call. Maybe I should tell our nurse to call him instead, so he can be the one who gets an unpleasant call for once.

My mind is already churning with what to do next. I don't think H will go along with what I want to do next. And, it truly will be our last ditch effort. At some point, I have to move on from this dream.

Legacies

Woke up this morning convinced that this cycle is a bust. I just know it. And, I'm pissed about it.

I know that it's still early, I'm only 7dp3dt. I know that some women never experience any symptoms. I know other women experience symptoms and get BFNs. I know it's not over until the fat lady sings. And, I know I'd be telling anyone else in my shoes to try to stay neutral, if not positive.

But, none of that means a damn thing to me today. I just know deep down that this did not work, that we just blew $21k, that we aren't even any f*ing closer to knowing whether an embryo made of my H's sperm can make it to blast stage. F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! I want to call it quits. I'm so tired of the intense stress of cycling. I'm so tired of waiting. I'm so angry at the world. Yet, I'm terrified of giving up.

H was talking last night about how he's getting worried about being old when our kid is in high school. I appreciate his concern, but I am on a totally different wavelength. My concerns surround us never having a child, which is looking more and more likely. Neither of us has a career we love. H doesn't know what he wants to do, and I'll never have the financial backing to do what I want to do. We barely have any friends after the last two years of isolating ourselves. We've fallen out of touch with our families. All I can imagine when I think of the rest of my life without children is a lonely, miserable life. We'll leave no legacies. We'll have made no mark on this world. And, one of us could be very lonely with no one to care for him/her late in life. And, that makes me so unbelievably sad.

I don't understand what we did to deserve this. All of this. It sucks and it's so unfair.

PIO Settling In

I couldn't sleep much last night, and my breasts were sore yesterday. All of this I am confident is just the PIO getting to me. I had a dull cramp in my lower abdomen yesterday, but not sure whether it was my uterus or intestinal. And, I had some twinges in my back this morning while walking the dog, but those could just be from lack of exercise and stretching. So, basically, I'm not experiencing any signs that make me think this has worked.

In fact, I'm already doing calculations to figure out when we might be able to attempt this again. And, I'm looking more seriously at DE abroad. My DH doesn't like ti when I get ahead of myself like this, but he and I operate very differently. I am a driven and motivated person. I need to know what the next goal is. He is much more relaxed and in the moment.

These next few days are cruel.

Not Feeling It

I feel cooped up and slothful. I don't feel pregnant - not that I would know what that feels like, anyway.

The crazies have really set in. I look at a calendar countless times a day, counting and re-counting the days between transfer and beta. And the following conversation in my head is on an endless loop:

"Should I POAS on Monday? Sunday would be far too early, right? I'd be bummed if it were negative, so I should really try to hold out until Tues. But, I've tested early before, and when it was what I thought might be too early, I moved on OK."

ACK! According to this: http://www.nyufertilitycenter.org/ivf/embryo_transfer the embryo(s) should begin implantation today. I'm 5dpt. I hope that's what's going on in there!

Trying to Convince Myself

that I'm pregnant until proven otherwise. It's not going so well, though.

I had just gotten back from walking the dog and was starting to water some things in the garden, when we got the call at 7:15 yesterday morning. I knew immediately that them calling us early meant that we were doing a 3dt. Indeed. I guess all six were still growing, but two were clearly better than the others. So, we both took quick showers and hopped in the car. Fortunately, early Sun. morning traffic was nothing and we got down there in record time - probably about 10am. Still, it was a long, tense ride. I tried not to cry, but couldn't help it. I had so wanted to make it to a 5dt. I felt like we were just repeating our OE transfers. I actually worked myself up to the point of not even wanting to go through with it. Things got tense between me and DH for a minute. But, we recovered.

As bad as this sounds, I focused on what I'd be saving my money for if this doesn't work - a small house with decent land for me to farm. I just felt so done with all of this IF crap, and these life-hanging-in-the-balance moments that I wanted to concentrate on something tangible - something that I know I could make happen with hard work. DH played along to keep the peace and keep me from crying.

So, we got there feeling OK, and as ready as we could be. They took us in pretty quickly, and had us meet the embryologist. We were transferring an 8-cell and a 7-cell, both graded A- because of some fragmentation. They'd watch the others, but I have no doubt that there will be nothing to freeze. Popped the valium, got changed and headed in. It was SO COLD in the OR. Even my DH, who is normally a furnace, was cold. I could not stop shivering. They checked out my bladder - a little too full. So, I emptied a little.

And, then we were off. It was nice to have DH in the room this time. He held my hand under the blankets. The transfer itself was super smooth and easy. The dilapan really did make a difference. There was minimal poking and it was much faster than ever. The doctor even said before he left that it went much easier than expected, and it was a great transfer. From there, it was 30 minutes of hanging out, and feeling groggy from the valium. Then, I got dressed and got in the back seat of the car, where I laid down and slept much of the way home. Of course, traffic was much worse on the way home, and my DH was exasperated in the last hour, but he did it.

Found out later that the other recipient also transferred a 7-cell and 8-cell yesterday. I think we just missed each other at the clinic. I guess it's good that 4 out of a total of 10 embryos from this group of eggs looked good on day 3.

So, here I am in the dreaded 2ww. I hate this part with a passion. My goal is to make huge progress on a sweater I started a few months ago. I screwed it up royally and had to rip out half of it, which demoralized me and made me reluctant to pick it back up. But, it's a good goal for the next 10 days - finish sweater. I was told I could go back to my routine today, just no exercising and heavy lifting. but, I decided I'd take one more day to just lounge around, so that I can try to convince myself that I'm pregnant until proven otherwise.