Phew!

I thought I was going to have a full-blown panic attack yesterday. I've never had one, but the pit in my stomach coupled, heaviness in my chest and rapid heartbeat I had going were not normal!

I was waiting on two things. The first was the pharmacy to call back for payment. I knew roughly what the costs should be, but for some reason, not knowing the exact amount was freaking me out. I think it's just the major outflow from our savings this week had me really on edge. Anyway, I got the call just before lunch. Holy crap! Meds for a non-DOR woman are so much cheaper! Meds for me and DH were about $560 with insurance picking up some things like the steroids and doxy. Our share of the donor's meds, was just over $1000. Meds for my first IVF were $10,000! So, PHEW! I felt better on that front.

There remained the issue of the satellite monitoring coordinator at my old clinic not calling me back after leaving two messages. Our DE clinic wanted to know how to handle orders for me, starting next week. I was getting anxious because she just wasn't calling me back. I finally tracked her down through a receptionist and we got it all squared away. At least, I hope so. So, phew again!

I felt a little better today, though tired. Right now, I'm very focused on me. I feel bad about it in the sense that I know my DH is starting to freak out, too, but I just don't feel like I can be the support for him. I'm trying to hard just to keep myself together. It also means that I'm not thinking very much about our donor. And, I'm starting to realize that this is a defense mechanism. I haven't looked at her profile since we signed on with her. I feel like I'm trying not to get attached to her because I'm so afraid this isn't going to work. I'm sure this will all change as the cycle moves forward, but for now, I'm just concentrating on doing everything I can to make sure I'm ready for this - success or failure.

Next stop, gyn. appointment on Monday to make sure my pap is up-to-date. That ought to be fun. I haven't seen her since she referred us to our old clinic in Nov. 2010. But, I know she's gotten a lot of paperwork on various aspects of cycling...

Please, let this work.

Can't Sleep

I don't know why. I felt better yesterday, only cried when talking to DH about everything last night. But, I've been up since 2am, engaging in some on-line retail therapy.

Maybe this is PMS insomnia, and this stupid period is actually on its way. I hope so. I just want it over with.

So, I started us both on CoQ10. I'm someone who likes to see research before taking things. While I couldn't find too many rigorous studies, the Mayo Clinic indicated that some preliminary studies suggest improvements in sperm counts and motility. Also, I could find abstracts for on-going studies investigating its effects on DOR IVF patients. And, it seems from IF boards, that some REs are OK with patients taking it. so, I started it, but will ask my RE when I finally get to talk to him. I figure what's a week or two now going to hurt, if he doesn't want me taking it. Meanwhile, let me give it as much time before our next cycle as I can.

Next cycle. I'm already obsessing about it. I really wish the clinic would call me. I'm dying to know what their review determined. DH thinks I should wait until next week to contact them. Ugh. Everything about this process is a f*cking wait. I'm so sick of waiting.