Realizations

As I turned the calendar page this morning, two things struck me. First, today marks two years since we first started trying to conceive. Second, our donor's retrieval should be in about two weeks (gasp)! Wow. How is it possible that I've spent the past two years so narrowly focused on this one goal? It's not quite like sitting down in front of the computer for a minute, and suddenly realizing an hour's gone by. I mean, my life has generally continued in spite of my devotion to the task at hand. But, this journey has certainly been my primary preoccupation while life moved on around me for the past two years. 

I have changed because of IF. I don't know that all of the changes are permanent - at least, I hope not. I have isolated myself, I have become self-centered, mean, angry, and alarmingly jealous. At the same time, I have been incredibly humbled. I cannot achieve anything I want by working very hard at it. That's been and continues to be such a hard pill for my Puritan work ethic to swallow. I cannot do everything by myself. That was a hard realization for my fierce independent streak. I need my husband. I need his help just to keep my head above water sometimes. And, this is OUR problem, so it's OK to be weak in front of him and tell him I need his help.

I hope I maintain some of the humility and patience I have gained through this process - regardless of whether we ever have a child. But, I really hope that I can find a way to shed some of this bitter anger, if we never do reach the goal. I believe that it will subside should we be successful. But, I fear it will never go away if we're not.

Now, onto the second realization. Holy crap, it's June! In less than a week, I'll know whether my lining is good. In two weeks, we'll know how many eggs we got and maybe a fertilization report. In three weeks, I hope we'll have transferred. And, in four weeks, we'll know if this whole complicated experiment has worked. I am scared out of my wits. I can't believe it's here already. I've been going through the motions of the cycle, but I have felt detached from it still. I am terrified to have hope, but it's within me nonetheless. I realized that today. 

Trying Not to Get Ahead of Myself

I'm in the weird state of imagining when we'd hit certain milestones if this cycle works, while at the same time figuring out how I'm going to console myself if this fails. I'm already indulging in too much anxiety-eating, and was really disheartened at my weight last week. I'm up 10 lbs. since we started trying. I'm still fit and active, but my clothes don't fit right, or at all, and I just feel gross - one more thing IF has cursed me with.

Anyhow, I do really wish I was a berry farmer and make money at it. So, I grow a lot in my back yard to get my fix. I'm happy to report that I have a very good crop of blueberries coming along, and expect I'll indulge in a heck of a lot of pie and cobbler should this cycle fail....

Got Our Schedule!!!!!

I start Lupron (after a pregnancy blood test - HA!) on May 17th! Our donor's retrieval should be around June 13th, and transfer around June 18th.

Please, please, let us have good embryos to transfer.

I am in full-on anxious mode. I can't believe we're moving ahead. While I am still scared to death of this not working, and terrified of getting too hopeful, I keep finding myself thinking things like, I've got to get x, y, and z done now because I might not be able to come July - mostly things in the garden. Sometimes, I think I'm just jinxing myself by trying to set up a garden that can go without too much TLC for a few weeks. Other times, I say to myself, "you'll be glad you did this."

Please, universe, let this be the answer for us.

To try to calm my bugged-out head, I made a training plan to get me to transfer day. I wasn't able to do that half-marathon at the end of April because I sort of fell apart physically and mentally in the those last two weeks, but I did the 5k and I'm still running. So, I devised a training plan to keep me motivated and keep me feelng fit and healthy going into transfer.

And,Ii bought a bunch of relaxation and meditation MP3s that I've started to listen to. I used IVf-specific ones during my previous cycles. I think I will go back to those for transfer and beyond. but, this time, general relaxation and mindfulness programs are actually much more helpful for the myriad thoughts and anxieties coursing through my body.  Haven't gotten through all of them yet, but I'm liking them so far.

Only two more weeks of awful BCPs. Yippee!!!!

Please, please, please let all of this work...

No spring baby for us

Another BFN this morning (10dp3dt). I sobbed my way through the PIO last night. It was a bleeder, which my DH has managed not to get before. The sight of blood upset him, making me cry even more because there's no f*ing point to even continuing these things now! Of course, I did it, and will do it again tonight, just to follow orders.

I feel numb, with occasional flashes of rage or utter devastation.

I put the picture of our embie away. I had been keeping it on my nightstand. When I saw it this morning, I wanted to puke. I feel like I failed our maybe-baby.

I can't understand what I've done so wrong to deserve all of this. I have always been a healthy person. I've been smart about how I've lived my life. Now, I feel like an out-of-control gambler - throwing our money, time and sanity away on this IF sh*t. Yet, I fear the kind of person I'd become if I never have a child, so I have to take these risks.

Anyway, I'm confident in declaring IVF #1 a bust.

I am starting this site 9dp3dt of our first IVF cycle. I tested at 2am, and it was a BFN. I have been up ever since. My DH refuses to believe any HPTs, and will wait for beta results on Mon. And, while I think I'm still harboring some hope in my heart that we have a late implanter here, I am still heartbroken. Realistically, our chances were low. We have Male Infertility and Diminished Ovarian Reserve. We only transferred one (it was a beautiful one, though, 10 cells on day 3 with little fragmentation). Why didn't it thrive in me?

So, in my mind, I am already planning for the next attempt. It's the only way for me to carry on - to know that there is still hope with another round of IVF. For insurance reasons, we have to do our next cycle before the end of the year. I don't know what we do after that - we'll have no coverage. While this cycle was scary because it was the first, the next one will be all the more stressful because it will be our last financially responsible effort.

I am so unbelievably tired.