Legacies

Woke up this morning convinced that this cycle is a bust. I just know it. And, I'm pissed about it.

I know that it's still early, I'm only 7dp3dt. I know that some women never experience any symptoms. I know other women experience symptoms and get BFNs. I know it's not over until the fat lady sings. And, I know I'd be telling anyone else in my shoes to try to stay neutral, if not positive.

But, none of that means a damn thing to me today. I just know deep down that this did not work, that we just blew $21k, that we aren't even any f*ing closer to knowing whether an embryo made of my H's sperm can make it to blast stage. F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! I want to call it quits. I'm so tired of the intense stress of cycling. I'm so tired of waiting. I'm so angry at the world. Yet, I'm terrified of giving up.

H was talking last night about how he's getting worried about being old when our kid is in high school. I appreciate his concern, but I am on a totally different wavelength. My concerns surround us never having a child, which is looking more and more likely. Neither of us has a career we love. H doesn't know what he wants to do, and I'll never have the financial backing to do what I want to do. We barely have any friends after the last two years of isolating ourselves. We've fallen out of touch with our families. All I can imagine when I think of the rest of my life without children is a lonely, miserable life. We'll leave no legacies. We'll have made no mark on this world. And, one of us could be very lonely with no one to care for him/her late in life. And, that makes me so unbelievably sad.

I don't understand what we did to deserve this. All of this. It sucks and it's so unfair.