Monday, July 23, 2012

The Physical Toll

It's hard to separate the symptoms of depression from the after-effects of this past cycle. I feel like I am 100 years old. I am lethargic. My body aches after activity. I wake up exhausted and spend the better part of the day feeling like I just want to lay down.

I am trying to get back out there and do things - going to the gym, jogging, lots of gardening. But, everything I do is at a much less intense level than what I was doing just four months ago, and still I feel like crap all the time.

Depression? My body figuring out how to regulate itself after 12+ weeks of hormones? I don't know. But, I needed to put this down on paper, so to speak, in case we ever go through this again, so that I have something to compare to.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Still going

It's been a hard week. I think today is the first day I haven't cried since I don't know when. And, the day is still young!

I'm having a hard time dragging myself out of bed int he mornings, and motivating myself generally. I did manage to get in a jog this week, DH and I also made it to the gym one evening, and we walked the dog together this morning. So, I'm getting out there little by little. The blueberries are in full swing, and now beans, zucchini and raspberries are coming, so I'm staying busy - just not in a way that actually distracts me from my alternating despair and hope.

Yes, I still have hope, which is amazing. I'm hoping that my blood work indicates I have some immunological issues that are treatable. I'm hoping that DH's DNA tests come back good. I'm hoping that we feel confident enough in some protocol changes to invest in one more DE try. And, I hope that it can still work.

Bit, then there's the ever-present despair, too. I feel like I need to accept that we will be child-free, and figure out how to make that a life I can enjoy - not just get through. I feel so utterly disgusted with my body for its many failures right now that I can't imagine how I'd ever truly enjoy myself or feel strong and confident again.

But, I'm still here. Still plugging away, and moving through this grief.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Be Careful What You Wish For

AF arrived with a vengeance last night. Glad she came, but the cramping and heavy flow suck.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Still Waiting

I never feel like these cycles are truly over until I get AF. With both of my OE IVFs, she came 5 days after stopping PIO. Not this time. My last PIO was Sun. and here it is Sat. - come on, already. I expect it's going to be physically uncomfortable from the nice lining I had. So, really, I'd rather just get it over with.

I came down with a cold this week, after DH did. Felt appropriate, and conveniently helped disguise some crying fits at work, as I was blowing my nose all day long anyway... The last several weeks of high anxiety have physically drained me.  I feel like once my period comes and goes, I can get back on track.

I found out yesterday that my RE told our shared recipient that she might have twins cooking based on her betas. That was a small stab to the heart. I also know that our shared recipient has been in my shoes before, with a c/p on her first DE IVF, so I really can't be jealous. DH thinks her success has nothing to do with us. In a way, I know he's right - that IVF always comes down to a crapshoot at the end. However, this does confirm that our donor had a reasonable cycle, and that there may still be issues with us. In the end, I am glad that it worked for her, and that our donor's cycle wasn't a total bust. I am just bitterly disappointed that it didn't work for us this time, too.

And, I'm saddened by bad news all around on the two boards I most frequent. A woman losing her baby at 40 weeks, early losses from DE IVF, and straight out BFNs from perfect cycles... I hate IF not just for me, but for all the deserving, hard-working, dedicated and strong women who struggle hard with it.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Recurrent Pregnancy Loss - Say What?!

My nurse called me first thing this morning to say sorry that the cycle didn't work out and that my RE would like me to do some Recurrent Pregnancy Loss (RPL) screening. My initial thought was "Do you think you're talking to another patient? I've never even been pregnant - never mind had recurrent loss." (Yes, I thought this, despite my post of a few days ago.)

I think a major defense mechanism against the guilt I feel for yet another failure kicked in. I mean - we gave up on my eggs. They were supposedly the problem. Now, you want to start looking for more problems with me? What about DH?! We've never even gotten to go to blast before transfer - couldn't that have something to do with his DNA? Furthermore, the only pregnancy he's caused (with his first wife - a decade ago) ended in early miscarriage. So, clearly there were chromosomal abnormalities then...

After I calmed down a little, I realized that indeed, finding out more information about me could be very helpful, or at least could prevent us from wasting more money on another cycle that's doomed from the start. It's just hard when I'm in this fragile state of coping with another BFN to take in that there could be more wrong with me - that I even screwed up a donor egg cycle.

But, I'm sticking to my guns that DH needs the sperm DNA fragmentation test done, too. I know it's not widely accepted by REs as proof of anything. However, I couldn't bear to put myself through another cycle, if we knew he has a high percentage of fragmentation.

Frankly, I think I am ready to move onto donor embryo, though it means a lot more waiting. Unfortunately, DH still isn't there. And, maybe never will be. I understand his concerns on a rational level, but I am hurt by them just the same. He thinks because I would get to carry a DEmbryo child that I would feel it's "mine" and not "ours." After all of the struggles we've been through together, I am sad that he thinks that way. But, hey, maybe I'm so screwed up that even a perfect 5-day blast from a proven batch of embryos wouldn't even survive in me anyway.

God, I hate being back at square one - only now it's a square one out of an Escher print - where everything is upside down, convoluted, and not the way you think it should be.


Monday, July 2, 2012

And, now I'm not

Foolish, foolish me for getting my hopes up over the weekend. BFN today. F*ck you IF for giving me this last week of undulating hope.