One down, one more big one to go. I survived Thanksgiving. It wasn't too bad, but it wasn't great, either. I kept wondering what will happen to me if I'm not pregnant this time next year. I can't imagine surviving another set of holidays no closer to our dream, and constantly reminded of that.
Anyway, on the donor front, I think we will end up cycling with our current clinic. We are going to do the psych. evaluation with them in a few weeks. The eval. can be used elsewhere, but the more I talk to them, the more important I think feeling less stressed about the process is. Our alternative, still under consideration, involves traveling to Atlanta. And, I just feel like traveling, the new facility and doctors, etc. will add a level of stress to the process that I don't think will be helpful. Of course, we have a larger selection, it's cheaper and we can time it on our schedule if we were to go to Atlanta. So, it's not off the table yet. We'll see how the psych appointment goes. I'm kind of nervous about it. My DH gets a little weird in front of doctors and abhors the thought of counselors/psychologists. We'll see.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Chugging Along
I had a disturbing dream last night, in which a friend who has two boys was convinced there was something wrong (physically and mentally) with her youngest. she was trying to "get rid of him." I am not sure if I thought she was going to kill him or abandon him, but I wanted him. I also thought there was something horribly wrong with him, but all I could think was here was my chance to have a child. Sad.
Anyway. I had a lousy week and did not successfully communicate with any clinics. I am not impressed with Yale so far, though. I did call Tues., stayed on hold for a good 10 minutes, only to be given another phone number. That number had a message on it from Monday saying that they would be in clinic all day and would not be responding to phone calls. I didn't get a call back until yesterday, and the message left me yet another number to call. So, I am not at all impressed with their accessibility and feel ready to cross them off the list already. However, I feel like I should at least talk to them given how close they are. So, I'll call again on Monday.
I am leaning towards wanting a sole recipient cycle. I don't know that I can explain why clearly, but a big part of my reasoning is the fear of going through a shared cycle and finding out that it worked for the other recipient but not us. For whatever reason, I think that would absolutely send me over the edge.
Obviously, money is going to factor into this decision, but that's where I'm at right now. DH doesn't care either way, but says that if it's important to me then we should do it that way. I'm still feeling scared about all of this, but at the same time, I'm not looking forward to having to wait months and months to get going.
Anyway. I had a lousy week and did not successfully communicate with any clinics. I am not impressed with Yale so far, though. I did call Tues., stayed on hold for a good 10 minutes, only to be given another phone number. That number had a message on it from Monday saying that they would be in clinic all day and would not be responding to phone calls. I didn't get a call back until yesterday, and the message left me yet another number to call. So, I am not at all impressed with their accessibility and feel ready to cross them off the list already. However, I feel like I should at least talk to them given how close they are. So, I'll call again on Monday.
I am leaning towards wanting a sole recipient cycle. I don't know that I can explain why clearly, but a big part of my reasoning is the fear of going through a shared cycle and finding out that it worked for the other recipient but not us. For whatever reason, I think that would absolutely send me over the edge.
Obviously, money is going to factor into this decision, but that's where I'm at right now. DH doesn't care either way, but says that if it's important to me then we should do it that way. I'm still feeling scared about all of this, but at the same time, I'm not looking forward to having to wait months and months to get going.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Long Time, No Update
Depression will do that to you, I guess. I've been struggling. I'm angry a lot lately. Worse than that, I take it out on DH, which is awful. He's stressed enough about his job, he doesn't need to come home to me in my raving lunatic state more often than not.
We had our WTF this week. It went as expected - yes, it's an egg quality issue; yes, donor egg would be a reasonable way to go. However, my RE did say that if money wasn't a concern, he would encourage us to continue trying with my eggs. I wish he hadn't said that. That makes me feel like we're giving up. I know we have to give up on my eggs because we cannot realistically spend all of our savings on a 20% chance of getting pregnant. But, dammit, it's hard to accept. And, I know we have to do donor egg because donor embryo will leave my DH feeling on uneven footing with me, which is a perpetual problem in our marriage anyway. So,I can't have it be a problem when it comes to our child.
We went to the resolve New England Conference last week. It was worth going because we learned a lot about donor issues. I highly recommend it to anyone contemplating. It also forced us to have a productive conversation, which put me at ease that DH and I are at least moving in step in our thinking on what comes next. I'm glad about that.
I truly am getting more and more comfortable with the idea of donor eggs. I'm confident that we could be open with a child/ren about their origins, while still feeling 100% their mother. I'm a little uncomfortable about telling some family, but would do it and know how I would do it, in order to avoid any sense of dark secrecy. And, I know I'd be truly grateful to be able to experience pregnancy and birth. That level of comfort doesn't make the pain, shame, sorrow, and anger of having crappy eggs go away completely. Nor does it make the utter fear of having DE fail us any better.
So, I'm still avoiding friends and people. I'm still erupting into rage or sobs. I'm still sleeping too much, or not at all. I'm still depressed. But, we're working through it. I will get through this.
We had our WTF this week. It went as expected - yes, it's an egg quality issue; yes, donor egg would be a reasonable way to go. However, my RE did say that if money wasn't a concern, he would encourage us to continue trying with my eggs. I wish he hadn't said that. That makes me feel like we're giving up. I know we have to give up on my eggs because we cannot realistically spend all of our savings on a 20% chance of getting pregnant. But, dammit, it's hard to accept. And, I know we have to do donor egg because donor embryo will leave my DH feeling on uneven footing with me, which is a perpetual problem in our marriage anyway. So,I can't have it be a problem when it comes to our child.
We went to the resolve New England Conference last week. It was worth going because we learned a lot about donor issues. I highly recommend it to anyone contemplating. It also forced us to have a productive conversation, which put me at ease that DH and I are at least moving in step in our thinking on what comes next. I'm glad about that.
I truly am getting more and more comfortable with the idea of donor eggs. I'm confident that we could be open with a child/ren about their origins, while still feeling 100% their mother. I'm a little uncomfortable about telling some family, but would do it and know how I would do it, in order to avoid any sense of dark secrecy. And, I know I'd be truly grateful to be able to experience pregnancy and birth. That level of comfort doesn't make the pain, shame, sorrow, and anger of having crappy eggs go away completely. Nor does it make the utter fear of having DE fail us any better.
So, I'm still avoiding friends and people. I'm still erupting into rage or sobs. I'm still sleeping too much, or not at all. I'm still depressed. But, we're working through it. I will get through this.
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