Friday, May 25, 2012

Fields of Clover

I found a third 4-leaf clover last night. Maybe my part of the world is just full of mutants... Or, maybe the three symbolize those involved in this cycle: me, the donor and DH. I'm contemplating what to do with them all. Perhaps each of us needs to get one somehow. I don't know what I think about giving our donor a gift. I can't get my head to think that far in advance yet. I do know we will at least give a heartfelt card. Perhaps, I will make a card with one of these clovers.

Got Nurse Hatchet for b/w this morning. I loathed getting this woman during my cycles last year. She is scary and she really bruised me last year. Anyway, I'm a little worried the clinic's not going to get my results today because she didn't put a "stat" sticker on my order sheet. The order did say results were needed by 4pm today, so my hope is that the lab reads the sheet. I was more worried about the fact that she was telling met o leave when she had my vial of blood with no name on it and hadn't printed a label yet. I asked, "don't we need to label it and make sure it's the correct label?" "Oh, yeah." I didn't see her put the label on the vial, but she was holding the sticker on one finger and the vial in her other hand, so I assume that at least happened...

I'm a little nervous about camping and hiking this weekend. I feel so lethargic and heavy. I'm also not keen on worrying about whether the lupron is staying cool. I'm sure it will all be fine, and so long as I can hike, I'll be happy to be away. I just wish I was already in the delestrogen phase. I so badly want to feel more like myself and have more energy again. I start it on Monday, thankfully.

OK, we're off to the mountains.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Chugging Along

I got a little headache last night during a meeting, but I think it was more from the room being hotter than Hades and the fact that I hadn't drank enough or eaten in a while. Still, I wondered if it was the Lupron.

Just waiting for a period now and taking the Lupron. I'm getting excited for our annual camping weekend coming up, so I'd kind of like the period to come sooner than later....

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Trying Not to Get Ahead of Myself

I'm in the weird state of imagining when we'd hit certain milestones if this cycle works, while at the same time figuring out how I'm going to console myself if this fails. I'm already indulging in too much anxiety-eating, and was really disheartened at my weight last week. I'm up 10 lbs. since we started trying. I'm still fit and active, but my clothes don't fit right, or at all, and I just feel gross - one more thing IF has cursed me with.

Anyhow, I do really wish I was a berry farmer and make money at it. So, I grow a lot in my back yard to get my fix. I'm happy to report that I have a very good crop of blueberries coming along, and expect I'll indulge in a heck of a lot of pie and cobbler should this cycle fail....

Friday, May 18, 2012

And, they're off!

I started lupron last night! I finally feel like this cycle is underway. I also had to do bloodwork in the morning, so I feel good about the communication between the two clinics. My husband gave me a sweet card last night thanking me for all I have gone through and will go through for us and our dreams. It made my night.

It's been seven months since we decided on DE. It feels good, yet strange, to finally be doing it.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Addition to the Plan

My nurse called yesterday and said she had been reviewing my file, and saw that the mock transfer was "difficult," so my Dr. wants me to come in on 6/4 and get a dilapan treatment. Cue a mild mental freak-out. I have a "tricky" cervix that has a big curve in it. Dilapan is apparently a metal rod that is inserted into the cervix where it absorbs moisture and expands, thereby dilating and softening the cervix. A doctor inserts it, you wait 4 hours and then a doctor takes it out. Sounds like fun, doesn't it?

The clinic likes to do it after the second dose of Delestrogen - two weeks before estimated transfer. It will cost an additional $325 (plus the day off from work, 6+ hour drive, tolls, etc.). The dilation effects are supposed to last 4 weeks. I had never heard of this, and still have only found a couple of women on-line who've done this prior to an IVF transfer. I'm still annoyed with my clinic for not mentioning this to me until 2 days before the start of my cycle, but I've accepted that I just need to do it and hope that it is just one more step on our way to success.

My meds just arrived. It cracks me up that they send a tiny sharps container with about 5 times the volume of needles that could ever possibly fit in it. I'm very, very nervous, but I'm ready to get started tomorrow.

Now, time to liven this site up a little with some photos. Here's what it took my insurance company to deny us coverage for this cycle:
Something like 14 individual envelopes , each with 4 pages in them - all of which were the same, save the name of the particular procedure... Ridiculous!

Friday, May 11, 2012

Phew!

I thought I was going to have a full-blown panic attack yesterday. I've never had one, but the pit in my stomach coupled, heaviness in my chest and rapid heartbeat I had going were not normal!

I was waiting on two things. The first was the pharmacy to call back for payment. I knew roughly what the costs should be, but for some reason, not knowing the exact amount was freaking me out. I think it's just the major outflow from our savings this week had me really on edge. Anyway, I got the call just before lunch. Holy crap! Meds for a non-DOR woman are so much cheaper! Meds for me and DH were about $560 with insurance picking up some things like the steroids and doxy. Our share of the donor's meds, was just over $1000. Meds for my first IVF were $10,000! So, PHEW! I felt better on that front.

There remained the issue of the satellite monitoring coordinator at my old clinic not calling me back after leaving two messages. Our DE clinic wanted to know how to handle orders for me, starting next week. I was getting anxious because she just wasn't calling me back. I finally tracked her down through a receptionist and we got it all squared away. At least, I hope so. So, phew again!

I felt a little better today, though tired. Right now, I'm very focused on me. I feel bad about it in the sense that I know my DH is starting to freak out, too, but I just don't feel like I can be the support for him. I'm trying to hard just to keep myself together. It also means that I'm not thinking very much about our donor. And, I'm starting to realize that this is a defense mechanism. I haven't looked at her profile since we signed on with her. I feel like I'm trying not to get attached to her because I'm so afraid this isn't going to work. I'm sure this will all change as the cycle moves forward, but for now, I'm just concentrating on doing everything I can to make sure I'm ready for this - success or failure.

Next stop, gyn. appointment on Monday to make sure my pap is up-to-date. That ought to be fun. I haven't seen her since she referred us to our old clinic in Nov. 2010. But, I know she's gotten a lot of paperwork on various aspects of cycling...

Please, let this work.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Got Our Schedule!!!!!

I start Lupron (after a pregnancy blood test - HA!) on May 17th! Our donor's retrieval should be around June 13th, and transfer around June 18th.

Please, please, let us have good embryos to transfer.

I am in full-on anxious mode. I can't believe we're moving ahead. While I am still scared to death of this not working, and terrified of getting too hopeful, I keep finding myself thinking things like, I've got to get x, y, and z done now because I might not be able to come July - mostly things in the garden. Sometimes, I think I'm just jinxing myself by trying to set up a garden that can go without too much TLC for a few weeks. Other times, I say to myself, "you'll be glad you did this."

Please, universe, let this be the answer for us.

To try to calm my bugged-out head, I made a training plan to get me to transfer day. I wasn't able to do that half-marathon at the end of April because I sort of fell apart physically and mentally in the those last two weeks, but I did the 5k and I'm still running. So, I devised a training plan to keep me motivated and keep me feelng fit and healthy going into transfer.

And,Ii bought a bunch of relaxation and meditation MP3s that I've started to listen to. I used IVf-specific ones during my previous cycles. I think I will go back to those for transfer and beyond. but, this time, general relaxation and mindfulness programs are actually much more helpful for the myriad thoughts and anxieties coursing through my body.  Haven't gotten through all of them yet, but I'm liking them so far.

Only two more weeks of awful BCPs. Yippee!!!!

Please, please, please let all of this work...