Can't Sleep

I don't know why. I felt better yesterday, only cried when talking to DH about everything last night. But, I've been up since 2am, engaging in some on-line retail therapy.

Maybe this is PMS insomnia, and this stupid period is actually on its way. I hope so. I just want it over with.

So, I started us both on CoQ10. I'm someone who likes to see research before taking things. While I couldn't find too many rigorous studies, the Mayo Clinic indicated that some preliminary studies suggest improvements in sperm counts and motility. Also, I could find abstracts for on-going studies investigating its effects on DOR IVF patients. And, it seems from IF boards, that some REs are OK with patients taking it. so, I started it, but will ask my RE when I finally get to talk to him. I figure what's a week or two now going to hurt, if he doesn't want me taking it. Meanwhile, let me give it as much time before our next cycle as I can.

Next cycle. I'm already obsessing about it. I really wish the clinic would call me. I'm dying to know what their review determined. DH thinks I should wait until next week to contact them. Ugh. Everything about this process is a f*cking wait. I'm so sick of waiting.

Dealing

It's been a tough couple of days.

I suffered through about an hour of a friend's party on Sun. before I absolutely had to make a break for it. One 3-month old in the room was hard enough, when the second one came in, I though I would vomit.

I also thought I was prepared for Monday's beta. But, as soon as I sat down for the blood-draw and started trying to answer the required questions, I devolved into heaving chest, big ugly sobs. The nurse was very nice about it. I managed to gather myself together somewhat and went into work, but I e-mailed my supervisor immediately to tell him what was going on and that I needed as little face-to-face interaction with people as possible. Thankfully, he got it. So, by the time I got the official phone call around 2pm, I was able to handle it.

Yesterday, sorrow turned into anger, and made for another tough day.

Today, i just want this period to come, so I can turn this entire cycle into nothing but a memory.

No spring baby for us

Another BFN this morning (10dp3dt). I sobbed my way through the PIO last night. It was a bleeder, which my DH has managed not to get before. The sight of blood upset him, making me cry even more because there's no f*ing point to even continuing these things now! Of course, I did it, and will do it again tonight, just to follow orders.

I feel numb, with occasional flashes of rage or utter devastation.

I put the picture of our embie away. I had been keeping it on my nightstand. When I saw it this morning, I wanted to puke. I feel like I failed our maybe-baby.

I can't understand what I've done so wrong to deserve all of this. I have always been a healthy person. I've been smart about how I've lived my life. Now, I feel like an out-of-control gambler - throwing our money, time and sanity away on this IF sh*t. Yet, I fear the kind of person I'd become if I never have a child, so I have to take these risks.

Anyway, I'm confident in declaring IVF #1 a bust.

I am starting this site 9dp3dt of our first IVF cycle. I tested at 2am, and it was a BFN. I have been up ever since. My DH refuses to believe any HPTs, and will wait for beta results on Mon. And, while I think I'm still harboring some hope in my heart that we have a late implanter here, I am still heartbroken. Realistically, our chances were low. We have Male Infertility and Diminished Ovarian Reserve. We only transferred one (it was a beautiful one, though, 10 cells on day 3 with little fragmentation). Why didn't it thrive in me?

So, in my mind, I am already planning for the next attempt. It's the only way for me to carry on - to know that there is still hope with another round of IVF. For insurance reasons, we have to do our next cycle before the end of the year. I don't know what we do after that - we'll have no coverage. While this cycle was scary because it was the first, the next one will be all the more stressful because it will be our last financially responsible effort.

I am so unbelievably tired.