Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Hello Depression

So, I guess I'm experiencing depression for the first time in my life. I've been through hard times before - watching my father die of cancer, helping my sister through chemo. while she had three small children at home, etc. But, during those times, I remember clinging strongly to some of my usual enjoyments in order to maintain a sense of normalcy. Right now, I have no idea what normal is. I don't care what normal is. I don't want to be with anyone. I don't want to do anything. I can't make sense of anything. I struggle through my work days, more distracted than ever. I come home, take care of a few chores and then collapse sobbing. I try to sleep, but invariably wake up after a couple of hours and then toss and turn for the rest of the night. How long can this keep up?

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Day 9 of 5-Month Plan

And, I'm having trouble motivating myself. I took a survey for the U.S. Department of Public Health yesterday on mental health. All I can say is ugh. I think the interviewer felt sorry for me. Most of the questions were about how I've been feeling in the past year. Most of the past year has not been good. And, I'm currently in this state of dullness. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to see anyone. I force myself to do things and to see people to some extent, but when I do, I just feel numb.

I think I'm really beginning to understand that we will not have children that share our DNA. I wish that didn't bother me as much as it does. I don't know why that feels so important. I guess it really is a biological drive. Sigh. I'm getting more and more excited about the prospects of embryo adoption, but I know that I need to more fully resolve my feelings surrounding our inability to have our children in order to proceed with that option. I just don't know how to get there.

Well, I guess for today, I should just keep going with the plan. That means getting off my butt and going for a jog.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Damn you, universe!

I got back from a two-day conference for work last night. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. My company had a vendor booth, so between seminars and during breaks I had to schmooze, which is loathsome to me on its own. Add to that the fact that the woman manning the booth right next to ours was about 6-7 months pregnant, and a woman I know who was milling around was clearly about 8-9 months pregnant. I was horrified, depressed, and completely lost in my messed up mind. I wanted to be anywhere but there.

There is no escaping IF. I feel like it smacks me in the face everywhere and anywhere, when I least expect it, even. Work should be a safe zone, but of course it's not because I have to hear about others' grandchildren, children and expected babies. Friends and family offer no safety. Even the freaking gym isn't safe because of the pregnant women there. Event though our own home doesn't really feel safe from IF, as in I am reminded of IF while here because there's these 2 empty bedrooms and all, it still feels like the safest place to be because I can hide from the world. And, that's about all I want to do right now.

Can I just repeat how much I HATE IF?!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

$38,000

We received a quarterly update from our insurance last night. Since July 1st, I got $19k in drugs and had another $19k in services. Unbelievable. And, there's nothing to show for it. Unfathomable. The worst, though, is that I don't see how we could ever responsibly do IVF again at $20k a pop. I'm so depressed.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

AF Finally

Woke up to AF this morning. I don't know if woke up is the right term since I barely slept. Glad it's finally here, but the cramps are pretty killer.

Spoke to the donor embryo program coordinator at our clinic yesterday. There are only 5 or 6 couples waiting right now. They don't do a lot of these. She said that what ends up taking the most time is that the donors drag their feet on getting tested, which makes sense since. She wouldn't put a timeframe on how long the wait might be; however, she did caution that all of our testing would have to have been done within a year of the transfer. So, i took the name of the financial counselor for that program and will call her sometime soon. I also intend to call our IVF financial counselor. I imagine at this point we no longer qualify for financial share programs, but I figured I'll ask. I'd like to have as much background info. as I can before we talk to Dr. E. again.

Day 4 of the 5-month plan, here I come.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Cruel Irony

I'm a person of Irish heritage who finds four -leaf clovers with relative ease. Somehow, they just jump out at me without me having to truly look for them. Apparently, this was the case for my father, too. Anyway, during this last 2WW, I would actively look for one as I walked the dog each day for a sign that this cycle would work. Of course, I never found one and I knew it was because I was actually looking.

I just got back from walking the dog this morning. I found TWO four-leaf clovers. Cruel irony? Yesterday, I begged the universe to give me a sign to help us figure out which path we should choose from here. Are the four-leaf clovers the sign? And, if so, what do they mean? Have I just completely lost my mind? Sigh....

We ended up going to the movies with friends last night, and saw a preview for a movie called something like, "The Odd Life of Timothy Bean." Why does Jennifer Garner play an infertile so often, or does it just seem that way to me? She's anything but.
 
OK, enough nonsensical rambling. Onto Day 2 of the 5-month plan - another jog, then chores.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

First Day of the 5 Month Plan

So, I devised a 5-month plan for us yesterday. We are going to take that long of a break to educate ourselves on all of the options swimming around in our heads, save some more money, get ourselves feeling physically better (my DH needs to lose some weight, and I need a break from hormones), and take care of some things that will help us move ahead with whichever direction we choose. Those things include following up with some other medical issues that there's just been no time to address, finally getting some ceilings patched and painted in the house, and just generally ready for either a home study or pregnancy.

I also signed us up for the Resolve New England conference in a few weeks so that we can learn more about adoption and donor embryos. Finally, our IVF #2 cycle goes for case review in a couple of weeks and we have another WTF on Nov. 10th, where we can talk other options over with Dr. E. And, of course, we'll be trying naturally in the meantime.

All in all, I feel OK about taking such a long break. Having a list for us to chip away at helps in that I feel like we're at least moving towards something, even if we don't know yet what that certain something is. I am a person who needs to feel like I'm actively pursuing my goals. I'm sure come January, I'm going to get antsy to forge ahead with something/anything. But, I know our next decision is probably the most important one we'll ever make, so I've got to give its time.

So far on Day 1 of 5-month plan, I got a 3.6 mile jog in and hope to go play some tennis with DH. 

Friday, October 14, 2011

BFN Again

I so wish I hadn't POAS on Wed. night. I got a faint positive that was gone by Thurs. morning. It totally messed with my mind. Up until then I was pretty confident in my negativity. Then, I got this glimmer of hope only to be shattered again.

I still can't figure out why we're being punished this way.

We have no idea where we go from here. I was up crying at 3am, and finally got my DH at 5am. We talked a little. Everything from now on gets $$$ and scary. So, today is about wallowing. Tomorrow will be about picking up the pieces.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Ready to be done

5dp3dt, and I don't even know if I'll bother to POAS at all. I'm sick of the PIO. I'm having crazy dreams, emotions are getting to me (anger more than sadness) and I am craving junk food. I just want next weekend to come so I can start to clear my system of all this crap.

I guess I'll POAS Fri. morning before I go in for the beta blood-draw, just to ensure that any residual hope I may be harboring deep down is fully nixed before I get that phone call while at work.

I feel like this 2nd attempt was a complete waste of time and energy. But, I can't take it back now.

I'm reading an adoption book. I'm overwhelmed; however, I feel like I'll be ready to tackle that process in the new year, after I've had a chance to feel like myself again for a bit. I hope I can get DH on the same page by then.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Starting to Accept

I slept a lot last night. More than I have in weeks. Maybe it was catching up, maybe it was just depression. But, I'd like to think that it's me beginning to move on. I think I'm reaching to point of accepting that we will not have biological children. However, I'm having a really, really hard time with the idea of never being pregnant and having the miraculous experience of giving birth. So, I'm thinking more and more about embryo adoption. And, I don't know if DH is warm to the idea yet.

In any event, I think I'm looking forward to a couple of months off from all of this. I'd like November and December to be about finding myself and us again. I feel like so much has suffered with basically cycling for four months. So, I'm anxious to get through the next 10 days as peacefully as possible, then getting back into running and the gym, and having fun with my husband. We can tackle the next steps in 2012. I need a break from what has been a very long 2011.

I sought some solace in The Bump boards yesterday. There are some wonderful ladies who assured me that even crappy quality embryos have resulted in successful pregnancies. I know that's true, but I still don't feel on a very deep level that this stands a chance. Maybe it is a super-strong defensive reflex. And, maybe I'll be surprised by how disappointed I am when I get the official BFN, meaning I was harboring hope that I just can't acknowledge. But, I really just don't feel any. 

Monday, October 3, 2011

And, so it goes

Only two really poor quality embryos to transfer this morning. How wonderful to be told immediately before heading into the procedure room so that it was hard for me to control my sobbing during the transfer. I cried most of the 35 minute resting time. i fell asleep in the car on the way home - thanks to the valium I think.

It's over. This isn't going to work. It's never going to work. Getting through the progesterone shots and other b.s. until the 14th is going to suck. Having DH finally face the truth on the 14th is going to extra suck (he still believes).

Trying to figure out where we go from here is a daunting thought/task. Happy f*ing anniversary to us.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Day before transfer anxiety

There's only 3 embryos as of yesterday. Only 4 eggs were mature and only 3 fertilized. This is exactly where we stood last time, which doesn't make me feel hopeful. The only bright spot is that our fertilization rate was better - 3 out of 4 instead 3 out of 5. Maybe that means better egg quality?! I don't know.

I feel extremely bloated and uncomfortable today. I may have eaten too much and done too much the last couple of days. I'm hoping it goes down fast.

I'm dreading tomorrow morning. Please, please, please, embies, grow well. We want at least one of you to be our baby.