We're Official Now

We are officially on a Donor Egg wait list. The psych evaluation was good, actually very helpful to us. She gave us some additional things to consider when comparing clinics as far as the screening process and the opportunity for any child/ren to be able to attempt to contact the donor way down the road. So, I'm happy we made a small step forward.

And, yet, I don't know if it's the holiday blues, or the anxiety I feel over thinking that we are now going to wait 6-8 months before we can do anything productive towards having a child, but for some reason, I am miserable. I'm short, mean and bitter. I unfairly chew out my DH and then get upset when he bites back. I feel like I don't have any friends left because I've been operating on such a different plane for so long now. It's probably the culmination of a lot of stress, the shittiest year ever, holiday blues, etc. But, I just want it over. I want it to be mid-January already.

Unhappy Holidays

I am having a hard time getting through these holidays. I feel incredibly alone this year and with nothing to celebrate. I know that isn't true, and is incredibly unfair to my DH. Nevertheless, that's how it feels.

It doesn't help that a co-worker just had a baby, so there's a ton of baby talk all day long in the office. And, I'm experiencing the loss of my aun as a connection to my greater family for the first time.

Anyhow, on the DE front: We have our psych evaluation this week. I'm excited about that. We're now considering three clinics, but really more like 2. Our current one and IVF NJ. My RE is looking into them for me. He also said that RBA in Atlanta is good, reputable, etc. I know DH doesn't want to have to travel like that, so I guess they're sort of off the table for now. But, IVF NJ has better success rates, shorter wait time, and similar pricing to our current clinic. And, it's only a 2.5 to 3 hour drive one way. Not insignificant, but not insurmountable. So, we get on our clinic's wait list after we pass the psych eval. And, I've scheduled an appointment with IVF NJ for Feb. 20th. I guess we see how we feel as we get closer to that date. We're waiting that long so that we can be sure of what our insurance situation will be next year. My company's plan ends 1/31, and I'm pretty sure they're going to make some changes.

That's where we're at. I really hope we have a good conversation with the psychologist.

Holidays

One down, one more big one to go. I survived Thanksgiving. It wasn't too bad, but it wasn't great, either. I kept wondering what will happen to me if I'm not pregnant this time next year. I can't imagine surviving another set of holidays no closer to our dream, and constantly reminded of that.

Anyway, on the donor front, I think we will end up cycling with our current clinic. We are going to do the psych. evaluation with them in a few weeks. The eval. can be used elsewhere, but the more I talk to them, the more important I think feeling less stressed about the process is. Our alternative, still under consideration, involves traveling to Atlanta. And, I just feel like traveling, the new facility and doctors, etc. will add a level of stress to the process that I don't think will be helpful. Of course, we have a larger selection, it's cheaper and we can time it on our schedule if we were to go to Atlanta. So, it's not off the table yet. We'll see how the psych appointment goes. I'm kind of nervous about it. My DH gets a little weird in front of doctors and abhors the thought of counselors/psychologists. We'll see.

Chugging Along

I had a disturbing dream last night, in which a friend who has two boys was convinced there was something wrong (physically and mentally) with her youngest. she was trying to "get rid of him." I am not sure if I thought she was going to kill him or abandon him, but I wanted him. I also thought there was something horribly wrong with him, but all I could think was here was my chance to have a child. Sad.

Anyway. I had a lousy week and did not successfully communicate with any clinics. I am not impressed with Yale so far, though. I did call Tues., stayed on hold for a good 10 minutes, only to be given another phone number. That number had a message on it from Monday saying that they would be in clinic all day and would not be responding to phone calls. I didn't get a call back until yesterday, and the message left me yet another number to call. So, I am not at all impressed with their accessibility and feel ready to cross them off the list already. However, I feel like I should at least talk to them given how close they are. So, I'll call again on Monday.

I am leaning towards wanting a sole recipient cycle. I don't know that I can explain why clearly, but a big part of my reasoning is the fear of going through a shared cycle and finding out that it worked for the other recipient but not us. For whatever reason, I think that would absolutely send me over the edge.

Obviously, money is going to factor into this decision, but that's where I'm at right now. DH doesn't care either way, but says that if it's important to me then we should do it that way. I'm still feeling scared about all of this, but at the same time, I'm not looking forward to having to wait months and months to get going.

Long Time, No Update

Depression will do that to you, I guess. I've been struggling. I'm angry a lot lately. Worse than that, I take it out on DH, which is awful. He's stressed enough about his job, he doesn't need to come home to me in my raving lunatic state more often than not.

We had our WTF this week. It went as expected - yes, it's an egg quality issue; yes, donor egg would be a reasonable way to go. However, my RE did say that if money wasn't a concern, he would encourage us to continue trying with my eggs. I wish he hadn't said that. That makes me feel like we're giving up. I know we have to give up on my eggs because we cannot realistically spend all of our savings on a 20% chance of getting pregnant. But, dammit, it's hard to accept. And, I know we have to do donor egg because donor embryo will leave my DH feeling on uneven footing with me, which is a perpetual problem in our marriage anyway. So,I can't have it be a problem when it comes to our child.

We went to the resolve New England Conference last week. It was worth going because we learned a lot about donor issues. I highly recommend it to anyone contemplating. It also forced us to have a productive conversation, which  put me at ease that DH and I are at least moving in step in our thinking on what comes next. I'm glad about that.

I truly am getting more and more comfortable with the idea of donor eggs. I'm confident that we could be open with a child/ren about their origins, while still feeling 100% their mother. I'm a little uncomfortable about telling some family, but would do it and know how I would do it, in order to avoid any sense of dark secrecy. And, I know I'd be truly grateful to be able to experience pregnancy and birth. That level of comfort doesn't make the pain, shame, sorrow, and anger of having crappy eggs go away completely. Nor does it make the utter fear of having DE fail us any better.

So, I'm still avoiding friends and people. I'm still erupting into rage or sobs. I'm still sleeping too much, or not at all. I'm still depressed. But, we're working through it. I will get through this.

Hello Depression

So, I guess I'm experiencing depression for the first time in my life. I've been through hard times before - watching my father die of cancer, helping my sister through chemo. while she had three small children at home, etc. But, during those times, I remember clinging strongly to some of my usual enjoyments in order to maintain a sense of normalcy. Right now, I have no idea what normal is. I don't care what normal is. I don't want to be with anyone. I don't want to do anything. I can't make sense of anything. I struggle through my work days, more distracted than ever. I come home, take care of a few chores and then collapse sobbing. I try to sleep, but invariably wake up after a couple of hours and then toss and turn for the rest of the night. How long can this keep up?

Day 9 of 5-Month Plan

And, I'm having trouble motivating myself. I took a survey for the U.S. Department of Public Health yesterday on mental health. All I can say is ugh. I think the interviewer felt sorry for me. Most of the questions were about how I've been feeling in the past year. Most of the past year has not been good. And, I'm currently in this state of dullness. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to see anyone. I force myself to do things and to see people to some extent, but when I do, I just feel numb.

I think I'm really beginning to understand that we will not have children that share our DNA. I wish that didn't bother me as much as it does. I don't know why that feels so important. I guess it really is a biological drive. Sigh. I'm getting more and more excited about the prospects of embryo adoption, but I know that I need to more fully resolve my feelings surrounding our inability to have our children in order to proceed with that option. I just don't know how to get there.

Well, I guess for today, I should just keep going with the plan. That means getting off my butt and going for a jog.

Damn you, universe!

I got back from a two-day conference for work last night. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. My company had a vendor booth, so between seminars and during breaks I had to schmooze, which is loathsome to me on its own. Add to that the fact that the woman manning the booth right next to ours was about 6-7 months pregnant, and a woman I know who was milling around was clearly about 8-9 months pregnant. I was horrified, depressed, and completely lost in my messed up mind. I wanted to be anywhere but there.

There is no escaping IF. I feel like it smacks me in the face everywhere and anywhere, when I least expect it, even. Work should be a safe zone, but of course it's not because I have to hear about others' grandchildren, children and expected babies. Friends and family offer no safety. Even the freaking gym isn't safe because of the pregnant women there. Event though our own home doesn't really feel safe from IF, as in I am reminded of IF while here because there's these 2 empty bedrooms and all, it still feels like the safest place to be because I can hide from the world. And, that's about all I want to do right now.

Can I just repeat how much I HATE IF?!

$38,000

We received a quarterly update from our insurance last night. Since July 1st, I got $19k in drugs and had another $19k in services. Unbelievable. And, there's nothing to show for it. Unfathomable. The worst, though, is that I don't see how we could ever responsibly do IVF again at $20k a pop. I'm so depressed.

AF Finally

Woke up to AF this morning. I don't know if woke up is the right term since I barely slept. Glad it's finally here, but the cramps are pretty killer.

Spoke to the donor embryo program coordinator at our clinic yesterday. There are only 5 or 6 couples waiting right now. They don't do a lot of these. She said that what ends up taking the most time is that the donors drag their feet on getting tested, which makes sense since. She wouldn't put a timeframe on how long the wait might be; however, she did caution that all of our testing would have to have been done within a year of the transfer. So, i took the name of the financial counselor for that program and will call her sometime soon. I also intend to call our IVF financial counselor. I imagine at this point we no longer qualify for financial share programs, but I figured I'll ask. I'd like to have as much background info. as I can before we talk to Dr. E. again.

Day 4 of the 5-month plan, here I come.

Cruel Irony

I'm a person of Irish heritage who finds four -leaf clovers with relative ease. Somehow, they just jump out at me without me having to truly look for them. Apparently, this was the case for my father, too. Anyway, during this last 2WW, I would actively look for one as I walked the dog each day for a sign that this cycle would work. Of course, I never found one and I knew it was because I was actually looking.

I just got back from walking the dog this morning. I found TWO four-leaf clovers. Cruel irony? Yesterday, I begged the universe to give me a sign to help us figure out which path we should choose from here. Are the four-leaf clovers the sign? And, if so, what do they mean? Have I just completely lost my mind? Sigh....

We ended up going to the movies with friends last night, and saw a preview for a movie called something like, "The Odd Life of Timothy Bean." Why does Jennifer Garner play an infertile so often, or does it just seem that way to me? She's anything but.
 
OK, enough nonsensical rambling. Onto Day 2 of the 5-month plan - another jog, then chores.

First Day of the 5 Month Plan

So, I devised a 5-month plan for us yesterday. We are going to take that long of a break to educate ourselves on all of the options swimming around in our heads, save some more money, get ourselves feeling physically better (my DH needs to lose some weight, and I need a break from hormones), and take care of some things that will help us move ahead with whichever direction we choose. Those things include following up with some other medical issues that there's just been no time to address, finally getting some ceilings patched and painted in the house, and just generally ready for either a home study or pregnancy.

I also signed us up for the Resolve New England conference in a few weeks so that we can learn more about adoption and donor embryos. Finally, our IVF #2 cycle goes for case review in a couple of weeks and we have another WTF on Nov. 10th, where we can talk other options over with Dr. E. And, of course, we'll be trying naturally in the meantime.

All in all, I feel OK about taking such a long break. Having a list for us to chip away at helps in that I feel like we're at least moving towards something, even if we don't know yet what that certain something is. I am a person who needs to feel like I'm actively pursuing my goals. I'm sure come January, I'm going to get antsy to forge ahead with something/anything. But, I know our next decision is probably the most important one we'll ever make, so I've got to give its time.

So far on Day 1 of 5-month plan, I got a 3.6 mile jog in and hope to go play some tennis with DH. 

BFN Again

I so wish I hadn't POAS on Wed. night. I got a faint positive that was gone by Thurs. morning. It totally messed with my mind. Up until then I was pretty confident in my negativity. Then, I got this glimmer of hope only to be shattered again.

I still can't figure out why we're being punished this way.

We have no idea where we go from here. I was up crying at 3am, and finally got my DH at 5am. We talked a little. Everything from now on gets $$$ and scary. So, today is about wallowing. Tomorrow will be about picking up the pieces.

Ready to be done

5dp3dt, and I don't even know if I'll bother to POAS at all. I'm sick of the PIO. I'm having crazy dreams, emotions are getting to me (anger more than sadness) and I am craving junk food. I just want next weekend to come so I can start to clear my system of all this crap.

I guess I'll POAS Fri. morning before I go in for the beta blood-draw, just to ensure that any residual hope I may be harboring deep down is fully nixed before I get that phone call while at work.

I feel like this 2nd attempt was a complete waste of time and energy. But, I can't take it back now.

I'm reading an adoption book. I'm overwhelmed; however, I feel like I'll be ready to tackle that process in the new year, after I've had a chance to feel like myself again for a bit. I hope I can get DH on the same page by then.

Starting to Accept

I slept a lot last night. More than I have in weeks. Maybe it was catching up, maybe it was just depression. But, I'd like to think that it's me beginning to move on. I think I'm reaching to point of accepting that we will not have biological children. However, I'm having a really, really hard time with the idea of never being pregnant and having the miraculous experience of giving birth. So, I'm thinking more and more about embryo adoption. And, I don't know if DH is warm to the idea yet.

In any event, I think I'm looking forward to a couple of months off from all of this. I'd like November and December to be about finding myself and us again. I feel like so much has suffered with basically cycling for four months. So, I'm anxious to get through the next 10 days as peacefully as possible, then getting back into running and the gym, and having fun with my husband. We can tackle the next steps in 2012. I need a break from what has been a very long 2011.

I sought some solace in The Bump boards yesterday. There are some wonderful ladies who assured me that even crappy quality embryos have resulted in successful pregnancies. I know that's true, but I still don't feel on a very deep level that this stands a chance. Maybe it is a super-strong defensive reflex. And, maybe I'll be surprised by how disappointed I am when I get the official BFN, meaning I was harboring hope that I just can't acknowledge. But, I really just don't feel any. 

And, so it goes

Only two really poor quality embryos to transfer this morning. How wonderful to be told immediately before heading into the procedure room so that it was hard for me to control my sobbing during the transfer. I cried most of the 35 minute resting time. i fell asleep in the car on the way home - thanks to the valium I think.

It's over. This isn't going to work. It's never going to work. Getting through the progesterone shots and other b.s. until the 14th is going to suck. Having DH finally face the truth on the 14th is going to extra suck (he still believes).

Trying to figure out where we go from here is a daunting thought/task. Happy f*ing anniversary to us.

Day before transfer anxiety

There's only 3 embryos as of yesterday. Only 4 eggs were mature and only 3 fertilized. This is exactly where we stood last time, which doesn't make me feel hopeful. The only bright spot is that our fertilization rate was better - 3 out of 4 instead 3 out of 5. Maybe that means better egg quality?! I don't know.

I feel extremely bloated and uncomfortable today. I may have eaten too much and done too much the last couple of days. I'm hoping it goes down fast.

I'm dreading tomorrow morning. Please, please, please, embies, grow well. We want at least one of you to be our baby.

Retrieval done

Only got 6. I was pleasantly surprised that my own dr. did the procedure because it wasn't his normally scheduled day for procedures. I was pretty disappointed with the 6, but really, it's the fert. report that I care about. Tomorrow will be a long day of waiting.

Deflated and Defeated

Only 5 follies over 10 today. WTF?! That's worse than last time. The nurse tried to reassure me that the Ganirelix can really slow things down at first, but that there's still plenty of time. I don't feel hopeful, though. I feel utterly defeated, and full of dread and loathing for the rest of this mind-f*cking process.

WHAT?!

15 follies!!!!! Some were very small and probably stand no chance of catching up, but still, 15!!!!!!!!!!

I puked today. I'm 95% sure that I haven't thrown up since 1997. It was pathetic. I got a little motion-sickness riding around with a co-worker doing some field work. But, I got out of the car, walked around a bit and felt better. We finished our work, stopped for lunch and made our way back to the office - probably a 45 minute ride. We got within about 1.5 miles of the office and I had to make him pull over so that I could vomit all over somebody's lawn in the rain.  I think it was a combination of motion-sickness, leftover nerves from this morning and hormones.

Anyway, I started Ganirelix, and I keep up the 450/150 stims. I go back Sun. morning.

Day 5 of Stims

Tonight is the 5th night of stims. I'm feeling tired, very foggy-headed and bloated. I hope the bloat is from ovarian activity and not just because I'm getting fat.

I am nervous for tomorrow's ultrasound. I keep telling DH I want a baker's dozen of eggs because of the number of follicles counted at baseline. So, I suppose I've set myself up for disappointment. I hope not.

Funny Things I Do

Massive sleep deprivation (from stress-induced insomnia) and massive quantities of fertility drugs make me do funny things. This morning I went to the gym around 5:30 to ride on the spinner. I was 15 minutes into my ride before I realized that I had put my padded bike shorts on inside out! So, the huge diaper-like pad was very obviously on the outside! I finished my ride and before I got off the bike, I tied my long-sleeved shirt around my waist and beat a hasty retreat.

Tonight will be third night of stims. I have been very blase about the shots this time. And, I had yet another crying fit on DH last night. This morning, he seemed really upset. So, I finally made the decision to at least try to be neutral about this cycle. It may work. It may not. I'm not going to get hopeful. But, I also can't mourn it before it's even over.

So, that's it. I am Switzerland. Switzerland on drugs.

Ready, Set, Go

Starting stims tonight. I don't know how my AFC compares to last time, but there were 6 on the right and 7 on the left - sounds good to me. I'm doing 450 Follistim and 150 Menopur again. My personal goal is to get 8 mature eggs. Probably ambitious, but might as well shoot for the moon on the last try.

Now, if only I could figure out how to get some sleep. I am one stressed out insomniac these days.

Starting #2 - Holy Crap!

So, I stopped blogging because I didn't have anything new to say. I was still dealing with IVF failure, and expecting we wouldn't move ahead with our next and last cycle until October. Then my world got turned upside down. At my WTF appointment on 9/6, my RE said I could start again right away with a new protocol. Everything has happened so fast since then.

First, our RE felt like I responded reasonably well to the last protocol (Microdose Flare Lupron); however, only 5 out of the 9 eggs retrieved were mature. So, the goal with the next cycle is to try to get a better rate of mature eggs. Otherwise, our fertilization rate was good, the embryo quality was average, and there's no reason he can point to for our failure. He and I had it out a bit over transferring only one, and in the end, he agrees that we should transfer two, if we're lucky enough to have the option, next time.

So, I'm doing an EPP-antagonist protocol this time. I started wearing estrogen patches on Tues. And, of course, my period showed up in the wee hours of this morning. So, now I'm concerned that only getting in 2 estrogen patches will not be enough to have the desired affect. I'm also terribly worried that at tomorrow's baseline, they're going to find a cyst or something that prevents us from moving froward. I have no reasons to think this might happen, as I've never had cysts. I just pessimistically think that the last 2 weeks of trying to mentally prepare myself to go through this torture again so soon will all be for naught.

I also feel like I'm already mourning cycle #2's inevitable failure, which is a TERRIBLE way to go into this process. I don't know why I'm having such a difficult time finding hope. We have about the same chance going in as we did with the last one, according to my RE. I guess it's my way of trying to protect myself from devastation. But, really, I'm going to be devastated if it doesn't work because this is the end of the treatment road for us. So, why prolong the agony? I should just be hopeful, and enjoy my last few weeks of thinking it's possible. So, here's to a clean ultrasound and good bloodwork tomorrow, so we can get this show on the road.

Can't Sleep

I don't know why. I felt better yesterday, only cried when talking to DH about everything last night. But, I've been up since 2am, engaging in some on-line retail therapy.

Maybe this is PMS insomnia, and this stupid period is actually on its way. I hope so. I just want it over with.

So, I started us both on CoQ10. I'm someone who likes to see research before taking things. While I couldn't find too many rigorous studies, the Mayo Clinic indicated that some preliminary studies suggest improvements in sperm counts and motility. Also, I could find abstracts for on-going studies investigating its effects on DOR IVF patients. And, it seems from IF boards, that some REs are OK with patients taking it. so, I started it, but will ask my RE when I finally get to talk to him. I figure what's a week or two now going to hurt, if he doesn't want me taking it. Meanwhile, let me give it as much time before our next cycle as I can.

Next cycle. I'm already obsessing about it. I really wish the clinic would call me. I'm dying to know what their review determined. DH thinks I should wait until next week to contact them. Ugh. Everything about this process is a f*cking wait. I'm so sick of waiting.

Dealing

It's been a tough couple of days.

I suffered through about an hour of a friend's party on Sun. before I absolutely had to make a break for it. One 3-month old in the room was hard enough, when the second one came in, I though I would vomit.

I also thought I was prepared for Monday's beta. But, as soon as I sat down for the blood-draw and started trying to answer the required questions, I devolved into heaving chest, big ugly sobs. The nurse was very nice about it. I managed to gather myself together somewhat and went into work, but I e-mailed my supervisor immediately to tell him what was going on and that I needed as little face-to-face interaction with people as possible. Thankfully, he got it. So, by the time I got the official phone call around 2pm, I was able to handle it.

Yesterday, sorrow turned into anger, and made for another tough day.

Today, i just want this period to come, so I can turn this entire cycle into nothing but a memory.

No spring baby for us

Another BFN this morning (10dp3dt). I sobbed my way through the PIO last night. It was a bleeder, which my DH has managed not to get before. The sight of blood upset him, making me cry even more because there's no f*ing point to even continuing these things now! Of course, I did it, and will do it again tonight, just to follow orders.

I feel numb, with occasional flashes of rage or utter devastation.

I put the picture of our embie away. I had been keeping it on my nightstand. When I saw it this morning, I wanted to puke. I feel like I failed our maybe-baby.

I can't understand what I've done so wrong to deserve all of this. I have always been a healthy person. I've been smart about how I've lived my life. Now, I feel like an out-of-control gambler - throwing our money, time and sanity away on this IF sh*t. Yet, I fear the kind of person I'd become if I never have a child, so I have to take these risks.

Anyway, I'm confident in declaring IVF #1 a bust.

I am starting this site 9dp3dt of our first IVF cycle. I tested at 2am, and it was a BFN. I have been up ever since. My DH refuses to believe any HPTs, and will wait for beta results on Mon. And, while I think I'm still harboring some hope in my heart that we have a late implanter here, I am still heartbroken. Realistically, our chances were low. We have Male Infertility and Diminished Ovarian Reserve. We only transferred one (it was a beautiful one, though, 10 cells on day 3 with little fragmentation). Why didn't it thrive in me?

So, in my mind, I am already planning for the next attempt. It's the only way for me to carry on - to know that there is still hope with another round of IVF. For insurance reasons, we have to do our next cycle before the end of the year. I don't know what we do after that - we'll have no coverage. While this cycle was scary because it was the first, the next one will be all the more stressful because it will be our last financially responsible effort.

I am so unbelievably tired.