13dp3dt - I'm a Little Pregnant

I haven't updated this because over the last several days I have bounced between such high hopes and such utter despair that even I could not keep up with my vacillations.

The brief run-down is that when I got home from work on Tues., I rummaged through the garbage to stare at my pee stick from the morning and swore I saw a faint line. I also swore I saw a faint line on an Internet cheapie (IC) pee stick. Cue insane regaining of hope and guilt for having cried my eyes out the night before. Wed. morning, I definitely saw a faint line on both FRER and IC. So, did DH. Cue more hope and optimism, and a relatively good day.

Thurs. morning - beta day, I got the same very faint line. Cue worry and anxiety that this is a chemical. Then, the dr. calls with a beta of only 21. I didn't freak out immediately. I was not happy, but I didn't start bawling. I went for a walk to call DH, and found another 4-leaf clover. Thought it was a sign not to give up hope yet. Nevertheless, I spend my afternoon at work scouring the betabase and looking for low beta success stories, only to become convinced that this can only be a chemical. Reading about others' positive betas on pved.org only hurt. I go home and cry my eyes out some more and try to force DH into a conversation about what we do next. Stupid, stupid me. He's not ready. I tell him Iwon't POAS until Sun.

Fri. passes. I had finally gotten some sleep and I made it through a day with only a few tears. However, I was very crampy and felt like I was getting my period. So, I really felt like the PIO was just stringing me along and preventing what really wanted to happen (get my period) from happening.

Sat. morning - this morning - I wake up and think I just want to know if it's gone so that I don't have to feel guilty about doing a lot of gardening in high heat. So, I ask DH to let me POAS (he had hidden them from me). He does, begrdugingly. And, the line is darker! it's still not as dark as the control line, but it's definitely darker.

I don't feel out of the woods by any means. I still believe this could be a chemical, or we could find a sac with no yolk on first u/s. However, I'm back to feeling like I'm a little pregnant today. I hope, beyond hope, that we get an awesome beta on Mon. I figure anything over 100 would be a good sign. Ideally, something more like 125 would mean it's back on a pretty normal track of doubling not quite every 36 hours. We'll see. I hope I'm not hanging out in limbo for another couple of weeks. My fragile heart and mind don't handle it very well at all.

Big Fat Fail

Negative at 9dp3dt. It's over as far as I'm concerned, though I'll probably test once more tomorrow morning. Beta is not until Thurs.

I feel like the biggest fool and failure ever. What ever made me think this could work for us?

Today, I'm finally going to call the therapist whose name I've looked up a thousand times before. My head's telling me it's time to move onto adoption, but I'm SO UTTERLY TERRIFIED of even the thought of going through that process. And, frankly, I don't think my H will provide the support and responsibility necessary toget us through that process. Besides, who would ever want to give us a child? I just can't see it happening.

My heart keeps telling me to try one more time - this time with donor egg and donor sperm.

Then again, maybe we should just give up, and save our money to buy a little land.

The reality is it's not my decision alone. So, not only do I need to figure out what I want, but I have to work it through with H.

Shit, we've paid our dues so many f*ing times already. Why do we keep having to make difficult decisions.

The worst insult of all of this is me having to go to work and try to get through unspeakably miserable days because I've already used too much times towards this cycle.

Negative

8dp3dt, and negative on a FRER HPT this morning.

I did some grieving yesterday by myself. My H won't believe this is over until Thurs., after I get the call. Maybe I should tell our nurse to call him instead, so he can be the one who gets an unpleasant call for once.

My mind is already churning with what to do next. I don't think H will go along with what I want to do next. And, it truly will be our last ditch effort. At some point, I have to move on from this dream.

Legacies

Woke up this morning convinced that this cycle is a bust. I just know it. And, I'm pissed about it.

I know that it's still early, I'm only 7dp3dt. I know that some women never experience any symptoms. I know other women experience symptoms and get BFNs. I know it's not over until the fat lady sings. And, I know I'd be telling anyone else in my shoes to try to stay neutral, if not positive.

But, none of that means a damn thing to me today. I just know deep down that this did not work, that we just blew $21k, that we aren't even any f*ing closer to knowing whether an embryo made of my H's sperm can make it to blast stage. F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! I want to call it quits. I'm so tired of the intense stress of cycling. I'm so tired of waiting. I'm so angry at the world. Yet, I'm terrified of giving up.

H was talking last night about how he's getting worried about being old when our kid is in high school. I appreciate his concern, but I am on a totally different wavelength. My concerns surround us never having a child, which is looking more and more likely. Neither of us has a career we love. H doesn't know what he wants to do, and I'll never have the financial backing to do what I want to do. We barely have any friends after the last two years of isolating ourselves. We've fallen out of touch with our families. All I can imagine when I think of the rest of my life without children is a lonely, miserable life. We'll leave no legacies. We'll have made no mark on this world. And, one of us could be very lonely with no one to care for him/her late in life. And, that makes me so unbelievably sad.

I don't understand what we did to deserve this. All of this. It sucks and it's so unfair.

PIO Settling In

I couldn't sleep much last night, and my breasts were sore yesterday. All of this I am confident is just the PIO getting to me. I had a dull cramp in my lower abdomen yesterday, but not sure whether it was my uterus or intestinal. And, I had some twinges in my back this morning while walking the dog, but those could just be from lack of exercise and stretching. So, basically, I'm not experiencing any signs that make me think this has worked.

In fact, I'm already doing calculations to figure out when we might be able to attempt this again. And, I'm looking more seriously at DE abroad. My DH doesn't like ti when I get ahead of myself like this, but he and I operate very differently. I am a driven and motivated person. I need to know what the next goal is. He is much more relaxed and in the moment.

These next few days are cruel.

Not Feeling It

I feel cooped up and slothful. I don't feel pregnant - not that I would know what that feels like, anyway.

The crazies have really set in. I look at a calendar countless times a day, counting and re-counting the days between transfer and beta. And the following conversation in my head is on an endless loop:

"Should I POAS on Monday? Sunday would be far too early, right? I'd be bummed if it were negative, so I should really try to hold out until Tues. But, I've tested early before, and when it was what I thought might be too early, I moved on OK."

ACK! According to this: http://www.nyufertilitycenter.org/ivf/embryo_transfer the embryo(s) should begin implantation today. I'm 5dpt. I hope that's what's going on in there!

Trying to Convince Myself

that I'm pregnant until proven otherwise. It's not going so well, though.

I had just gotten back from walking the dog and was starting to water some things in the garden, when we got the call at 7:15 yesterday morning. I knew immediately that them calling us early meant that we were doing a 3dt. Indeed. I guess all six were still growing, but two were clearly better than the others. So, we both took quick showers and hopped in the car. Fortunately, early Sun. morning traffic was nothing and we got down there in record time - probably about 10am. Still, it was a long, tense ride. I tried not to cry, but couldn't help it. I had so wanted to make it to a 5dt. I felt like we were just repeating our OE transfers. I actually worked myself up to the point of not even wanting to go through with it. Things got tense between me and DH for a minute. But, we recovered.

As bad as this sounds, I focused on what I'd be saving my money for if this doesn't work - a small house with decent land for me to farm. I just felt so done with all of this IF crap, and these life-hanging-in-the-balance moments that I wanted to concentrate on something tangible - something that I know I could make happen with hard work. DH played along to keep the peace and keep me from crying.

So, we got there feeling OK, and as ready as we could be. They took us in pretty quickly, and had us meet the embryologist. We were transferring an 8-cell and a 7-cell, both graded A- because of some fragmentation. They'd watch the others, but I have no doubt that there will be nothing to freeze. Popped the valium, got changed and headed in. It was SO COLD in the OR. Even my DH, who is normally a furnace, was cold. I could not stop shivering. They checked out my bladder - a little too full. So, I emptied a little.

And, then we were off. It was nice to have DH in the room this time. He held my hand under the blankets. The transfer itself was super smooth and easy. The dilapan really did make a difference. There was minimal poking and it was much faster than ever. The doctor even said before he left that it went much easier than expected, and it was a great transfer. From there, it was 30 minutes of hanging out, and feeling groggy from the valium. Then, I got dressed and got in the back seat of the car, where I laid down and slept much of the way home. Of course, traffic was much worse on the way home, and my DH was exasperated in the last hour, but he did it.

Found out later that the other recipient also transferred a 7-cell and 8-cell yesterday. I think we just missed each other at the clinic. I guess it's good that 4 out of a total of 10 embryos from this group of eggs looked good on day 3.

So, here I am in the dreaded 2ww. I hate this part with a passion. My goal is to make huge progress on a sweater I started a few months ago. I screwed it up royally and had to rip out half of it, which demoralized me and made me reluctant to pick it back up. But, it's a good goal for the next 10 days - finish sweater. I was told I could go back to my routine today, just no exercising and heavy lifting. but, I decided I'd take one more day to just lounge around, so that I can try to convince myself that I'm pregnant until proven otherwise. 

Waiting

A big part of cycling, whether IVF or DE IVF involves agonizing waits. Waiting for ER. Waiting to hear the fert. report following ER. Waiting to determine when you'll transfer (if you have a few number of embryos like us). And, then, of course, the dreaded 2ww.

We are currently waiting to find out whether the lab wants us to do a 3-day or 5-day transfer. We have to call at 8am tomorrow, and then either hop in the car immediately to make the trek, or we wait until Tues. I hope we make it 'til Tues. We've never transferred a blastocyst. I will feel a little more hopeful, if we could make it to that stage. But, only 15 more hours will tell.....

Yikes, I forgot to report ER results. They weren't great compared to her previous cycles. 12 eggs were split between us and the other recipient (whom I've "met" by chance through pved.org). I was disappointed in the number of eggs we had to work with; however, I was pleased that all 6 fertilized normally with ICSI. 

ER Day

I don't know how it's possible that we've reached ER. It seems like we've been waiting forever, yet also like we're moving at warp speed all of a sudden.

So, DH drove down to our clinic very early this morning to do his thing. He's already left the clinic, so I feel a little relief that at least his part is done, he delivered our card to the donor, and we paid yet another bill. But, now, I wait. I ended up taking the day off from work because I had planned on going with him. However, it's cheaper for me to get b/w done here, and I needed to do that this morning, so we decided I'd stay behind. I should have went to work instead of wasting a day off. Or, at the very least, I should be doing work now. But, I am so nervous, anxious and distracted that I can't get my head into anything.

I hope to have more news about how our donor did today. Definitely, more news tomorrow when we get the fert. report. Please, please, please let it all be good news.

Where to Begin?

It's been a busy and tough week. We headed down to NJ very early Monday morning for the dilapan treatment. DH started out driving, though I offered. I should have insisted because he started practically falling asleep at the wheel. So, I had to keep him awake until we got over the GW and I took over the driving.

The dilapan wasn't fun going in, but not too bad. And, during the four hours it was in, I could feel it, but not in a painful way. More of an odd, sometimes uncomfortable, sensation. Once it was in, and I had blood drawn, we were sent away. So, we went over to a nearby county park with stunning gardens and an arboretum. The weather wasn't great, but we walked around some, ate in the car, and then I walked around quite a bit more. We headed back to the clinic, the doctor quickly fished the dilapan out and showed it to me - not very impressive looking at all. I paid the bill and we were off thinking we might just beat rush hour on I-95 through Fairfield County. And, we might have, if a couple of belts and the alternator didn't go right after we reached CT. We ended up leaving the car at a service station, hopping on a train, calling one of my brothers and getting a ride home. This, of course, meant I had to tell a brother who claimed he knew nothing of our infertility pursuits a little bit about them. It also meant that the very next day, we had to make the trip back down to get the car, and pay that bill... Not a great start to the week.

Then, yesterday, was my lining check. I was so nervous about it, for no good reason other than everything single thing about this cycle has provoked high anxiety for me. Well, my lining checked out just fine - 9.7 when the clinic requires at least an 8. Nevertheless, I hit the car and had a breakdown. I had fought with DH the night before and just felt depleted, sad and scared. It only got worse after work. I called a very dear friend I've known since high school, who I'd been playing phone tag with for some weeks. She's a very busy college professor with two small children, so we hadn't spoken in quite some time. She knew we were exploring the DE route, but no details of where we were in the process. Turns out she's 6 months pregnant.

That news hit me like a ton of bricks. I started my big ugly, can't-breath sobbing immediately and tried to get off the phone with her, but she kept talking and crying about how she knew this would be hard for me to hear and how awful she felt, etc. I couldn't tell what hurt worse - that she hadn't told me such huge news (even though, I know she didn't for all the right reasons), or just the news itself. And, six months already! I ended up telling here just where we stand in our process, even though I haven't told anyone else. I told her I wished I could feel positive enough to think how fun it would be to be pregnant at the same time for a short period, but I just don't. All I feel is a horrible dread that this will not work for us, she will have another baby, and I will not be able to get over myself enough to be able to continue my friendship with her. I feel like a self-centered jerk about that, but i just can't see how any of this will ever feel OK to me if we can't have a baby.

Finally, where does one begin to write a thank-you card to a stranger who may forever be linked to you through the amazing gift of a life? That is tonight's task. I have a pretty good draft that I want DH to review. It's short, not overly gushing or informative about us, but very sincere in our appreciation. I haven't asked the clinic how she's doing. I'm not sure I want to know. I sort of just want to wait to hear the number of normally fertilized embryos we have. It's kind of nice to feel like our donor's response is so out of my control that I don't even want to know about it. When it was my own body, even though I knew logically it was out of my control, it didn't feel like it should be. It was my body, dammit, I wanted to control it. So, even though, I'm coming apart at the seams from anxiety and stress, I've at least relinquished that aspect of this cycle. 

Realizations

As I turned the calendar page this morning, two things struck me. First, today marks two years since we first started trying to conceive. Second, our donor's retrieval should be in about two weeks (gasp)! Wow. How is it possible that I've spent the past two years so narrowly focused on this one goal? It's not quite like sitting down in front of the computer for a minute, and suddenly realizing an hour's gone by. I mean, my life has generally continued in spite of my devotion to the task at hand. But, this journey has certainly been my primary preoccupation while life moved on around me for the past two years. 

I have changed because of IF. I don't know that all of the changes are permanent - at least, I hope not. I have isolated myself, I have become self-centered, mean, angry, and alarmingly jealous. At the same time, I have been incredibly humbled. I cannot achieve anything I want by working very hard at it. That's been and continues to be such a hard pill for my Puritan work ethic to swallow. I cannot do everything by myself. That was a hard realization for my fierce independent streak. I need my husband. I need his help just to keep my head above water sometimes. And, this is OUR problem, so it's OK to be weak in front of him and tell him I need his help.

I hope I maintain some of the humility and patience I have gained through this process - regardless of whether we ever have a child. But, I really hope that I can find a way to shed some of this bitter anger, if we never do reach the goal. I believe that it will subside should we be successful. But, I fear it will never go away if we're not.

Now, onto the second realization. Holy crap, it's June! In less than a week, I'll know whether my lining is good. In two weeks, we'll know how many eggs we got and maybe a fertilization report. In three weeks, I hope we'll have transferred. And, in four weeks, we'll know if this whole complicated experiment has worked. I am scared out of my wits. I can't believe it's here already. I've been going through the motions of the cycle, but I have felt detached from it still. I am terrified to have hope, but it's within me nonetheless. I realized that today.