Friday, July 13, 2012

Still going

It's been a hard week. I think today is the first day I haven't cried since I don't know when. And, the day is still young!

I'm having a hard time dragging myself out of bed int he mornings, and motivating myself generally. I did manage to get in a jog this week, DH and I also made it to the gym one evening, and we walked the dog together this morning. So, I'm getting out there little by little. The blueberries are in full swing, and now beans, zucchini and raspberries are coming, so I'm staying busy - just not in a way that actually distracts me from my alternating despair and hope.

Yes, I still have hope, which is amazing. I'm hoping that my blood work indicates I have some immunological issues that are treatable. I'm hoping that DH's DNA tests come back good. I'm hoping that we feel confident enough in some protocol changes to invest in one more DE try. And, I hope that it can still work.

Bit, then there's the ever-present despair, too. I feel like I need to accept that we will be child-free, and figure out how to make that a life I can enjoy - not just get through. I feel so utterly disgusted with my body for its many failures right now that I can't imagine how I'd ever truly enjoy myself or feel strong and confident again.

But, I'm still here. Still plugging away, and moving through this grief.

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