Saturday, August 11, 2012

Coming out the other side...

Boy, that was a rough few weeks. It's amazing how each failure only seems to get harder, when it seems impossible that this can get any worse.

But, I feel physically more like myself for the first time in months, which is nice. And, we have a plan again, even with a back-up plan! Having a plan, no matter how scary it is, helps settle me down.

The psychologist I saw even remarked on how much better I seemed this week. I have hope again, which is probably/definitely foolish. But, I can't help it. Having a plan makes it feel like there's a chance that we could actually have a baby. On top of that, I cannot forget those positive HPTs, even though they were worrisome at the time, they were also so damn full of hope for us. Sigh.

My immune and blood-clotting tests came back normal. DH's sperm DNA fragmentation test came back poor to fair. Our WTF wasn't particularly enlightening. Our RE basically boiled it down to bad luck, and doesn't buy into any significance with the sperm DNA test. She ordered karyotyping for DH and an endometrial biopsy to rule out endometritis for me. DH will get the bloodwork done soon, and I'll have the biopsy done in mid-September. DH is now religiously taking an insane number of pills each day, following an antioxidant therapy plan to try to improve his sperm DNA.

So, we are going to move forward with another shared DE cycle. I am not confident in this choice, but I know it's what we need to do for DH and I'm making my peace with it. I don't think that it's out of the realm of possibility that DE will work for us. I just don't feel it's likely to make our dreams come true. My rational side would still rather move onto DEmbryo at this stage. However, DH and I are in this together. I have to respect his concerns, even if I cannot completely understand them. Plus, he's agreed that we can move onto DEmbryo if this next cycle does not work.

I spoke to our donor coordinator yesterday. She's going to send us profiles in mid- to late-September so that we might have a Nov. retrieval and transfer. My heart can't help but get a little excited about that, despite what my brain keeps telling it. Nov.'s not so far away, and maybe I could actually get pregnant this year.

Now's the time for getting back in shape physically and mentally and recharging for a cycle and potential pregnancy. That's my mission right now.

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