I slept a lot last night. More than I have in weeks. Maybe it was catching up, maybe it was just depression. But, I'd like to think that it's me beginning to move on. I think I'm reaching to point of accepting that we will not have biological children. However, I'm having a really, really hard time with the idea of never being pregnant and having the miraculous experience of giving birth. So, I'm thinking more and more about embryo adoption. And, I don't know if DH is warm to the idea yet.
In any event, I think I'm looking forward to a couple of months off from all of this. I'd like November and December to be about finding myself and us again. I feel like so much has suffered with basically cycling for four months. So, I'm anxious to get through the next 10 days as peacefully as possible, then getting back into running and the gym, and having fun with my husband. We can tackle the next steps in 2012. I need a break from what has been a very long 2011.
I sought some solace in The Bump boards yesterday. There are some wonderful ladies who assured me that even crappy quality embryos have resulted in successful pregnancies. I know that's true, but I still don't feel on a very deep level that this stands a chance. Maybe it is a super-strong defensive reflex. And, maybe I'll be surprised by how disappointed I am when I get the official BFN, meaning I was harboring hope that I just can't acknowledge. But, I really just don't feel any.
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