Long Time, No Update

Depression will do that to you, I guess. I've been struggling. I'm angry a lot lately. Worse than that, I take it out on DH, which is awful. He's stressed enough about his job, he doesn't need to come home to me in my raving lunatic state more often than not.

We had our WTF this week. It went as expected - yes, it's an egg quality issue; yes, donor egg would be a reasonable way to go. However, my RE did say that if money wasn't a concern, he would encourage us to continue trying with my eggs. I wish he hadn't said that. That makes me feel like we're giving up. I know we have to give up on my eggs because we cannot realistically spend all of our savings on a 20% chance of getting pregnant. But, dammit, it's hard to accept. And, I know we have to do donor egg because donor embryo will leave my DH feeling on uneven footing with me, which is a perpetual problem in our marriage anyway. So,I can't have it be a problem when it comes to our child.

We went to the resolve New England Conference last week. It was worth going because we learned a lot about donor issues. I highly recommend it to anyone contemplating. It also forced us to have a productive conversation, which  put me at ease that DH and I are at least moving in step in our thinking on what comes next. I'm glad about that.

I truly am getting more and more comfortable with the idea of donor eggs. I'm confident that we could be open with a child/ren about their origins, while still feeling 100% their mother. I'm a little uncomfortable about telling some family, but would do it and know how I would do it, in order to avoid any sense of dark secrecy. And, I know I'd be truly grateful to be able to experience pregnancy and birth. That level of comfort doesn't make the pain, shame, sorrow, and anger of having crappy eggs go away completely. Nor does it make the utter fear of having DE fail us any better.

So, I'm still avoiding friends and people. I'm still erupting into rage or sobs. I'm still sleeping too much, or not at all. I'm still depressed. But, we're working through it. I will get through this.