I haven't updated this because over the last several days I have bounced between such high hopes and such utter despair that even I could not keep up with my vacillations.
The brief run-down is that when I got home from work on Tues., I rummaged through the garbage to stare at my pee stick from the morning and swore I saw a faint line. I also swore I saw a faint line on an Internet cheapie (IC) pee stick. Cue insane regaining of hope and guilt for having cried my eyes out the night before. Wed. morning, I definitely saw a faint line on both FRER and IC. So, did DH. Cue more hope and optimism, and a relatively good day.
Thurs. morning - beta day, I got the same very faint line. Cue worry and anxiety that this is a chemical. Then, the dr. calls with a beta of only 21. I didn't freak out immediately. I was not happy, but I didn't start bawling. I went for a walk to call DH, and found another 4-leaf clover. Thought it was a sign not to give up hope yet. Nevertheless, I spend my afternoon at work scouring the betabase and looking for low beta success stories, only to become convinced that this can only be a chemical. Reading about others' positive betas on pved.org only hurt. I go home and cry my eyes out some more and try to force DH into a conversation about what we do next. Stupid, stupid me. He's not ready. I tell him Iwon't POAS until Sun.
Fri. passes. I had finally gotten some sleep and I made it through a day with only a few tears. However, I was very crampy and felt like I was getting my period. So, I really felt like the PIO was just stringing me along and preventing what really wanted to happen (get my period) from happening.
Sat. morning - this morning - I wake up and think I just want to know if it's gone so that I don't have to feel guilty about doing a lot of gardening in high heat. So, I ask DH to let me POAS (he had hidden them from me). He does, begrdugingly. And, the line is darker! it's still not as dark as the control line, but it's definitely darker.
I don't feel out of the woods by any means. I still believe this could be a chemical, or we could find a sac with no yolk on first u/s. However, I'm back to feeling like I'm a little pregnant today. I hope, beyond hope, that we get an awesome beta on Mon. I figure anything over 100 would be a good sign. Ideally, something more like 125 would mean it's back on a pretty normal track of doubling not quite every 36 hours. We'll see. I hope I'm not hanging out in limbo for another couple of weeks. My fragile heart and mind don't handle it very well at all.
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