Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Big Fat Fail

Negative at 9dp3dt. It's over as far as I'm concerned, though I'll probably test once more tomorrow morning. Beta is not until Thurs.

I feel like the biggest fool and failure ever. What ever made me think this could work for us?

Today, I'm finally going to call the therapist whose name I've looked up a thousand times before. My head's telling me it's time to move onto adoption, but I'm SO UTTERLY TERRIFIED of even the thought of going through that process. And, frankly, I don't think my H will provide the support and responsibility necessary toget us through that process. Besides, who would ever want to give us a child? I just can't see it happening.

My heart keeps telling me to try one more time - this time with donor egg and donor sperm.

Then again, maybe we should just give up, and save our money to buy a little land.

The reality is it's not my decision alone. So, not only do I need to figure out what I want, but I have to work it through with H.

Shit, we've paid our dues so many f*ing times already. Why do we keep having to make difficult decisions.

The worst insult of all of this is me having to go to work and try to get through unspeakably miserable days because I've already used too much times towards this cycle.

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