Trying to Convince Myself

that I'm pregnant until proven otherwise. It's not going so well, though.

I had just gotten back from walking the dog and was starting to water some things in the garden, when we got the call at 7:15 yesterday morning. I knew immediately that them calling us early meant that we were doing a 3dt. Indeed. I guess all six were still growing, but two were clearly better than the others. So, we both took quick showers and hopped in the car. Fortunately, early Sun. morning traffic was nothing and we got down there in record time - probably about 10am. Still, it was a long, tense ride. I tried not to cry, but couldn't help it. I had so wanted to make it to a 5dt. I felt like we were just repeating our OE transfers. I actually worked myself up to the point of not even wanting to go through with it. Things got tense between me and DH for a minute. But, we recovered.

As bad as this sounds, I focused on what I'd be saving my money for if this doesn't work - a small house with decent land for me to farm. I just felt so done with all of this IF crap, and these life-hanging-in-the-balance moments that I wanted to concentrate on something tangible - something that I know I could make happen with hard work. DH played along to keep the peace and keep me from crying.

So, we got there feeling OK, and as ready as we could be. They took us in pretty quickly, and had us meet the embryologist. We were transferring an 8-cell and a 7-cell, both graded A- because of some fragmentation. They'd watch the others, but I have no doubt that there will be nothing to freeze. Popped the valium, got changed and headed in. It was SO COLD in the OR. Even my DH, who is normally a furnace, was cold. I could not stop shivering. They checked out my bladder - a little too full. So, I emptied a little.

And, then we were off. It was nice to have DH in the room this time. He held my hand under the blankets. The transfer itself was super smooth and easy. The dilapan really did make a difference. There was minimal poking and it was much faster than ever. The doctor even said before he left that it went much easier than expected, and it was a great transfer. From there, it was 30 minutes of hanging out, and feeling groggy from the valium. Then, I got dressed and got in the back seat of the car, where I laid down and slept much of the way home. Of course, traffic was much worse on the way home, and my DH was exasperated in the last hour, but he did it.

Found out later that the other recipient also transferred a 7-cell and 8-cell yesterday. I think we just missed each other at the clinic. I guess it's good that 4 out of a total of 10 embryos from this group of eggs looked good on day 3.

So, here I am in the dreaded 2ww. I hate this part with a passion. My goal is to make huge progress on a sweater I started a few months ago. I screwed it up royally and had to rip out half of it, which demoralized me and made me reluctant to pick it back up. But, it's a good goal for the next 10 days - finish sweater. I was told I could go back to my routine today, just no exercising and heavy lifting. but, I decided I'd take one more day to just lounge around, so that I can try to convince myself that I'm pregnant until proven otherwise.