Where to Begin?

It's been a busy and tough week. We headed down to NJ very early Monday morning for the dilapan treatment. DH started out driving, though I offered. I should have insisted because he started practically falling asleep at the wheel. So, I had to keep him awake until we got over the GW and I took over the driving.

The dilapan wasn't fun going in, but not too bad. And, during the four hours it was in, I could feel it, but not in a painful way. More of an odd, sometimes uncomfortable, sensation. Once it was in, and I had blood drawn, we were sent away. So, we went over to a nearby county park with stunning gardens and an arboretum. The weather wasn't great, but we walked around some, ate in the car, and then I walked around quite a bit more. We headed back to the clinic, the doctor quickly fished the dilapan out and showed it to me - not very impressive looking at all. I paid the bill and we were off thinking we might just beat rush hour on I-95 through Fairfield County. And, we might have, if a couple of belts and the alternator didn't go right after we reached CT. We ended up leaving the car at a service station, hopping on a train, calling one of my brothers and getting a ride home. This, of course, meant I had to tell a brother who claimed he knew nothing of our infertility pursuits a little bit about them. It also meant that the very next day, we had to make the trip back down to get the car, and pay that bill... Not a great start to the week.

Then, yesterday, was my lining check. I was so nervous about it, for no good reason other than everything single thing about this cycle has provoked high anxiety for me. Well, my lining checked out just fine - 9.7 when the clinic requires at least an 8. Nevertheless, I hit the car and had a breakdown. I had fought with DH the night before and just felt depleted, sad and scared. It only got worse after work. I called a very dear friend I've known since high school, who I'd been playing phone tag with for some weeks. She's a very busy college professor with two small children, so we hadn't spoken in quite some time. She knew we were exploring the DE route, but no details of where we were in the process. Turns out she's 6 months pregnant.

That news hit me like a ton of bricks. I started my big ugly, can't-breath sobbing immediately and tried to get off the phone with her, but she kept talking and crying about how she knew this would be hard for me to hear and how awful she felt, etc. I couldn't tell what hurt worse - that she hadn't told me such huge news (even though, I know she didn't for all the right reasons), or just the news itself. And, six months already! I ended up telling here just where we stand in our process, even though I haven't told anyone else. I told her I wished I could feel positive enough to think how fun it would be to be pregnant at the same time for a short period, but I just don't. All I feel is a horrible dread that this will not work for us, she will have another baby, and I will not be able to get over myself enough to be able to continue my friendship with her. I feel like a self-centered jerk about that, but i just can't see how any of this will ever feel OK to me if we can't have a baby.

Finally, where does one begin to write a thank-you card to a stranger who may forever be linked to you through the amazing gift of a life? That is tonight's task. I have a pretty good draft that I want DH to review. It's short, not overly gushing or informative about us, but very sincere in our appreciation. I haven't asked the clinic how she's doing. I'm not sure I want to know. I sort of just want to wait to hear the number of normally fertilized embryos we have. It's kind of nice to feel like our donor's response is so out of my control that I don't even want to know about it. When it was my own body, even though I knew logically it was out of my control, it didn't feel like it should be. It was my body, dammit, I wanted to control it. So, even though, I'm coming apart at the seams from anxiety and stress, I've at least relinquished that aspect of this cycle.