Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Recurrent Pregnancy Loss - Say What?!

My nurse called me first thing this morning to say sorry that the cycle didn't work out and that my RE would like me to do some Recurrent Pregnancy Loss (RPL) screening. My initial thought was "Do you think you're talking to another patient? I've never even been pregnant - never mind had recurrent loss." (Yes, I thought this, despite my post of a few days ago.)

I think a major defense mechanism against the guilt I feel for yet another failure kicked in. I mean - we gave up on my eggs. They were supposedly the problem. Now, you want to start looking for more problems with me? What about DH?! We've never even gotten to go to blast before transfer - couldn't that have something to do with his DNA? Furthermore, the only pregnancy he's caused (with his first wife - a decade ago) ended in early miscarriage. So, clearly there were chromosomal abnormalities then...

After I calmed down a little, I realized that indeed, finding out more information about me could be very helpful, or at least could prevent us from wasting more money on another cycle that's doomed from the start. It's just hard when I'm in this fragile state of coping with another BFN to take in that there could be more wrong with me - that I even screwed up a donor egg cycle.

But, I'm sticking to my guns that DH needs the sperm DNA fragmentation test done, too. I know it's not widely accepted by REs as proof of anything. However, I couldn't bear to put myself through another cycle, if we knew he has a high percentage of fragmentation.

Frankly, I think I am ready to move onto donor embryo, though it means a lot more waiting. Unfortunately, DH still isn't there. And, maybe never will be. I understand his concerns on a rational level, but I am hurt by them just the same. He thinks because I would get to carry a DEmbryo child that I would feel it's "mine" and not "ours." After all of the struggles we've been through together, I am sad that he thinks that way. But, hey, maybe I'm so screwed up that even a perfect 5-day blast from a proven batch of embryos wouldn't even survive in me anyway.

God, I hate being back at square one - only now it's a square one out of an Escher print - where everything is upside down, convoluted, and not the way you think it should be.


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