No spring baby for us

Another BFN this morning (10dp3dt). I sobbed my way through the PIO last night. It was a bleeder, which my DH has managed not to get before. The sight of blood upset him, making me cry even more because there's no f*ing point to even continuing these things now! Of course, I did it, and will do it again tonight, just to follow orders.

I feel numb, with occasional flashes of rage or utter devastation.

I put the picture of our embie away. I had been keeping it on my nightstand. When I saw it this morning, I wanted to puke. I feel like I failed our maybe-baby.

I can't understand what I've done so wrong to deserve all of this. I have always been a healthy person. I've been smart about how I've lived my life. Now, I feel like an out-of-control gambler - throwing our money, time and sanity away on this IF sh*t. Yet, I fear the kind of person I'd become if I never have a child, so I have to take these risks.

Anyway, I'm confident in declaring IVF #1 a bust.

I am starting this site 9dp3dt of our first IVF cycle. I tested at 2am, and it was a BFN. I have been up ever since. My DH refuses to believe any HPTs, and will wait for beta results on Mon. And, while I think I'm still harboring some hope in my heart that we have a late implanter here, I am still heartbroken. Realistically, our chances were low. We have Male Infertility and Diminished Ovarian Reserve. We only transferred one (it was a beautiful one, though, 10 cells on day 3 with little fragmentation). Why didn't it thrive in me?

So, in my mind, I am already planning for the next attempt. It's the only way for me to carry on - to know that there is still hope with another round of IVF. For insurance reasons, we have to do our next cycle before the end of the year. I don't know what we do after that - we'll have no coverage. While this cycle was scary because it was the first, the next one will be all the more stressful because it will be our last financially responsible effort.

I am so unbelievably tired.