Addition to the Plan

My nurse called yesterday and said she had been reviewing my file, and saw that the mock transfer was "difficult," so my Dr. wants me to come in on 6/4 and get a dilapan treatment. Cue a mild mental freak-out. I have a "tricky" cervix that has a big curve in it. Dilapan is apparently a metal rod that is inserted into the cervix where it absorbs moisture and expands, thereby dilating and softening the cervix. A doctor inserts it, you wait 4 hours and then a doctor takes it out. Sounds like fun, doesn't it?

The clinic likes to do it after the second dose of Delestrogen - two weeks before estimated transfer. It will cost an additional $325 (plus the day off from work, 6+ hour drive, tolls, etc.). The dilation effects are supposed to last 4 weeks. I had never heard of this, and still have only found a couple of women on-line who've done this prior to an IVF transfer. I'm still annoyed with my clinic for not mentioning this to me until 2 days before the start of my cycle, but I've accepted that I just need to do it and hope that it is just one more step on our way to success.

My meds just arrived. It cracks me up that they send a tiny sharps container with about 5 times the volume of needles that could ever possibly fit in it. I'm very, very nervous, but I'm ready to get started tomorrow.

Now, time to liven this site up a little with some photos. Here's what it took my insurance company to deny us coverage for this cycle:

Something like 14 individual envelopes , each with 4 pages in them - all of which were the same, save the name of the particular procedure... Ridiculous!

Phew!

I thought I was going to have a full-blown panic attack yesterday. I've never had one, but the pit in my stomach coupled, heaviness in my chest and rapid heartbeat I had going were not normal!

I was waiting on two things. The first was the pharmacy to call back for payment. I knew roughly what the costs should be, but for some reason, not knowing the exact amount was freaking me out. I think it's just the major outflow from our savings this week had me really on edge. Anyway, I got the call just before lunch. Holy crap! Meds for a non-DOR woman are so much cheaper! Meds for me and DH were about $560 with insurance picking up some things like the steroids and doxy. Our share of the donor's meds, was just over $1000. Meds for my first IVF were $10,000! So, PHEW! I felt better on that front.

There remained the issue of the satellite monitoring coordinator at my old clinic not calling me back after leaving two messages. Our DE clinic wanted to know how to handle orders for me, starting next week. I was getting anxious because she just wasn't calling me back. I finally tracked her down through a receptionist and we got it all squared away. At least, I hope so. So, phew again!

I felt a little better today, though tired. Right now, I'm very focused on me. I feel bad about it in the sense that I know my DH is starting to freak out, too, but I just don't feel like I can be the support for him. I'm trying to hard just to keep myself together. It also means that I'm not thinking very much about our donor. And, I'm starting to realize that this is a defense mechanism. I haven't looked at her profile since we signed on with her. I feel like I'm trying not to get attached to her because I'm so afraid this isn't going to work. I'm sure this will all change as the cycle moves forward, but for now, I'm just concentrating on doing everything I can to make sure I'm ready for this - success or failure.

Next stop, gyn. appointment on Monday to make sure my pap is up-to-date. That ought to be fun. I haven't seen her since she referred us to our old clinic in Nov. 2010. But, I know she's gotten a lot of paperwork on various aspects of cycling...

Please, let this work.

Got Our Schedule!!!!!

I start Lupron (after a pregnancy blood test - HA!) on May 17th! Our donor's retrieval should be around June 13th, and transfer around June 18th.

Please, please, let us have good embryos to transfer.

I am in full-on anxious mode. I can't believe we're moving ahead. While I am still scared to death of this not working, and terrified of getting too hopeful, I keep finding myself thinking things like, I've got to get x, y, and z done now because I might not be able to come July - mostly things in the garden. Sometimes, I think I'm just jinxing myself by trying to set up a garden that can go without too much TLC for a few weeks. Other times, I say to myself, "you'll be glad you did this."

Please, universe, let this be the answer for us.

To try to calm my bugged-out head, I made a training plan to get me to transfer day. I wasn't able to do that half-marathon at the end of April because I sort of fell apart physically and mentally in the those last two weeks, but I did the 5k and I'm still running. So, I devised a training plan to keep me motivated and keep me feelng fit and healthy going into transfer.

And,Ii bought a bunch of relaxation and meditation MP3s that I've started to listen to. I used IVf-specific ones during my previous cycles. I think I will go back to those for transfer and beyond. but, this time, general relaxation and mindfulness programs are actually much more helpful for the myriad thoughts and anxieties coursing through my body.  Haven't gotten through all of them yet, but I'm liking them so far.

Only two more weeks of awful BCPs. Yippee!!!!

Please, please, please let all of this work...

BCPs and Anxiety Are a Dangerous Combination

I'm in my fourth week of BCPs, and am beyond HATING them. I am mean, enraged, breaking out and hardly even want to be looked at, never mind touched by my husband. These things SUCK.

I e-mailed my nurse last week to see if i really needed to stay on them since it seemed like it could still be a while before we get going. That's when I found out that another recipient matched with our donor, and that our donor was told to come in when she starts her period to get her testing done. So, we are almost on our way! Very exciting, scary, crazy, etc. Needless to say, I was told to stay on the dreaded BCPs. I also had to run around like a crazy woman getting a follow-up breast ultrasound done last week. As far as I know, that came back fine and I'm now done with my requirements.

So, I was looking at the sample schedule we got during our consult. I'm sort of guessing that we're headed for 3rd-4th week of June for retrieval and transfer. That's if we can get started in a couple of weeks. While I'm anxious for that, I can honestly say that at this point, I just want to get off these freaking pills. My entire household - husband, dog and myself - are miserable.

We're Back in the Game

So, what's been going on since January? A lot, and not much. We went for our consult with an out-of-state clinic for DE, and liked the program. So, we decided to do a shared DE cycle with them. Our first meeting was Feb. 20th. I had some follow up things to do, like get a mammogram and make sure my annual is up to date. But, we knew that it was going to take some weeks to get matched with a donor, especially for a shared cycle. So, I scheduled things, but was in no hurry. We also were thrilled to find out that my H's numbers improved significantly in the SA he did with them. I hope that the combination of him having not touched a cigarette in many months, exercising more, and taking COq10 and a daily vitamin is paying off.

So, we waited. All through March, we waited. Work was thankfully very busy for me, so that helped keep my mind off things. And, we decided to try another half-marathon at the end of April, so training for that has kept me sane. Nevertheless, the wait was really starting to get to me. My anxiety level was sky high.

Then, on April 2nd, we received a donor profile. And, we both liked her a lot. I was so extremely relieved that it wasn't hard for either of us to say yes to her. She has had two previously successful cycles with our clinic, both of which resulted in frozen embryos, even though the clinic has very strict freezing standards. After our nurse and donor coordinator answered a couple of questions, we accepted her the next day. Unfortunately, we still have to wait. They were supposed to send her profile to another couple looking to do a shared cycle this week, but we haven't heard anything else. So, it may take a little while to get the other recipient matched.

Regardless, I feel like we have taken a HUGE step forward. We have a donor. I have hope that this could work. I'm terrified of the hope I have, but am going to go with it for now. And, things are falling into place. I started BCPs this week. I hate them because last time my adjustment to them was rough. But, I'm also sort of glad to have started them so that I know I won't have my period for the half-marathon coming up. My mammogram is a week from today. I am scared that some roadblock will present itself because of that, though I have no reason to think that. And, my annual is scheduled for next month, but I don't lapse until June anyway.
So, I'm back, and hope to keep updating this blog more frequently now, if only to keep a log for myself.

New Year, New Clinic

I think we have finally decided that we are going to a different clinic. That only took 2.5 months. DH asked me a question last week that finally put it all in perspective for me. He asked whether I'd regret not going to the new clinic if we failed at our current one. And, undoubtedly, I would. I love our clinic, but the new one has been equally as responsive, informative, similar pricing and consistently higher success rates, plus a shorter wait time. So, of course, I would kick myself for not going to the most accessible clinic with the best success rates. If it fails there, I will feel like we have the sh*ttiest luck ever, but I don't think I'll second-guess going there.

It feels good to know what we're doing to some extent. Our first appointment there is in 6 weeks. For some reason, I feel anxious this week. I think it's eagerness to get started on some process again, mixed with utter terror that this is our last chance and I have no idea how I'll survive if it doesn't work.

Anyway, here's hoping 2012 is a good year!

We're Official Now

We are officially on a Donor Egg wait list. The psych evaluation was good, actually very helpful to us. She gave us some additional things to consider when comparing clinics as far as the screening process and the opportunity for any child/ren to be able to attempt to contact the donor way down the road. So, I'm happy we made a small step forward.

And, yet, I don't know if it's the holiday blues, or the anxiety I feel over thinking that we are now going to wait 6-8 months before we can do anything productive towards having a child, but for some reason, I am miserable. I'm short, mean and bitter. I unfairly chew out my DH and then get upset when he bites back. I feel like I don't have any friends left because I've been operating on such a different plane for so long now. It's probably the culmination of a lot of stress, the shittiest year ever, holiday blues, etc. But, I just want it over. I want it to be mid-January already.

Unhappy Holidays

I am having a hard time getting through these holidays. I feel incredibly alone this year and with nothing to celebrate. I know that isn't true, and is incredibly unfair to my DH. Nevertheless, that's how it feels.

It doesn't help that a co-worker just had a baby, so there's a ton of baby talk all day long in the office. And, I'm experiencing the loss of my aun as a connection to my greater family for the first time.

Anyhow, on the DE front: We have our psych evaluation this week. I'm excited about that. We're now considering three clinics, but really more like 2. Our current one and IVF NJ. My RE is looking into them for me. He also said that RBA in Atlanta is good, reputable, etc. I know DH doesn't want to have to travel like that, so I guess they're sort of off the table for now. But, IVF NJ has better success rates, shorter wait time, and similar pricing to our current clinic. And, it's only a 2.5 to 3 hour drive one way. Not insignificant, but not insurmountable. So, we get on our clinic's wait list after we pass the psych eval. And, I've scheduled an appointment with IVF NJ for Feb. 20th. I guess we see how we feel as we get closer to that date. We're waiting that long so that we can be sure of what our insurance situation will be next year. My company's plan ends 1/31, and I'm pretty sure they're going to make some changes.

That's where we're at. I really hope we have a good conversation with the psychologist.

Holidays

One down, one more big one to go. I survived Thanksgiving. It wasn't too bad, but it wasn't great, either. I kept wondering what will happen to me if I'm not pregnant this time next year. I can't imagine surviving another set of holidays no closer to our dream, and constantly reminded of that.

Anyway, on the donor front, I think we will end up cycling with our current clinic. We are going to do the psych. evaluation with them in a few weeks. The eval. can be used elsewhere, but the more I talk to them, the more important I think feeling less stressed about the process is. Our alternative, still under consideration, involves traveling to Atlanta. And, I just feel like traveling, the new facility and doctors, etc. will add a level of stress to the process that I don't think will be helpful. Of course, we have a larger selection, it's cheaper and we can time it on our schedule if we were to go to Atlanta. So, it's not off the table yet. We'll see how the psych appointment goes. I'm kind of nervous about it. My DH gets a little weird in front of doctors and abhors the thought of counselors/psychologists. We'll see.

Chugging Along

I had a disturbing dream last night, in which a friend who has two boys was convinced there was something wrong (physically and mentally) with her youngest. she was trying to "get rid of him." I am not sure if I thought she was going to kill him or abandon him, but I wanted him. I also thought there was something horribly wrong with him, but all I could think was here was my chance to have a child. Sad.

Anyway. I had a lousy week and did not successfully communicate with any clinics. I am not impressed with Yale so far, though. I did call Tues., stayed on hold for a good 10 minutes, only to be given another phone number. That number had a message on it from Monday saying that they would be in clinic all day and would not be responding to phone calls. I didn't get a call back until yesterday, and the message left me yet another number to call. So, I am not at all impressed with their accessibility and feel ready to cross them off the list already. However, I feel like I should at least talk to them given how close they are. So, I'll call again on Monday.

I am leaning towards wanting a sole recipient cycle. I don't know that I can explain why clearly, but a big part of my reasoning is the fear of going through a shared cycle and finding out that it worked for the other recipient but not us. For whatever reason, I think that would absolutely send me over the edge.

Obviously, money is going to factor into this decision, but that's where I'm at right now. DH doesn't care either way, but says that if it's important to me then we should do it that way. I'm still feeling scared about all of this, but at the same time, I'm not looking forward to having to wait months and months to get going.

Long Time, No Update

Depression will do that to you, I guess. I've been struggling. I'm angry a lot lately. Worse than that, I take it out on DH, which is awful. He's stressed enough about his job, he doesn't need to come home to me in my raving lunatic state more often than not.

We had our WTF this week. It went as expected - yes, it's an egg quality issue; yes, donor egg would be a reasonable way to go. However, my RE did say that if money wasn't a concern, he would encourage us to continue trying with my eggs. I wish he hadn't said that. That makes me feel like we're giving up. I know we have to give up on my eggs because we cannot realistically spend all of our savings on a 20% chance of getting pregnant. But, dammit, it's hard to accept. And, I know we have to do donor egg because donor embryo will leave my DH feeling on uneven footing with me, which is a perpetual problem in our marriage anyway. So,I can't have it be a problem when it comes to our child.

We went to the resolve New England Conference last week. It was worth going because we learned a lot about donor issues. I highly recommend it to anyone contemplating. It also forced us to have a productive conversation, which  put me at ease that DH and I are at least moving in step in our thinking on what comes next. I'm glad about that.

I truly am getting more and more comfortable with the idea of donor eggs. I'm confident that we could be open with a child/ren about their origins, while still feeling 100% their mother. I'm a little uncomfortable about telling some family, but would do it and know how I would do it, in order to avoid any sense of dark secrecy. And, I know I'd be truly grateful to be able to experience pregnancy and birth. That level of comfort doesn't make the pain, shame, sorrow, and anger of having crappy eggs go away completely. Nor does it make the utter fear of having DE fail us any better.

So, I'm still avoiding friends and people. I'm still erupting into rage or sobs. I'm still sleeping too much, or not at all. I'm still depressed. But, we're working through it. I will get through this.

Hello Depression

So, I guess I'm experiencing depression for the first time in my life. I've been through hard times before - watching my father die of cancer, helping my sister through chemo. while she had three small children at home, etc. But, during those times, I remember clinging strongly to some of my usual enjoyments in order to maintain a sense of normalcy. Right now, I have no idea what normal is. I don't care what normal is. I don't want to be with anyone. I don't want to do anything. I can't make sense of anything. I struggle through my work days, more distracted than ever. I come home, take care of a few chores and then collapse sobbing. I try to sleep, but invariably wake up after a couple of hours and then toss and turn for the rest of the night. How long can this keep up?

Day 9 of 5-Month Plan

And, I'm having trouble motivating myself. I took a survey for the U.S. Department of Public Health yesterday on mental health. All I can say is ugh. I think the interviewer felt sorry for me. Most of the questions were about how I've been feeling in the past year. Most of the past year has not been good. And, I'm currently in this state of dullness. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to see anyone. I force myself to do things and to see people to some extent, but when I do, I just feel numb.

I think I'm really beginning to understand that we will not have children that share our DNA. I wish that didn't bother me as much as it does. I don't know why that feels so important. I guess it really is a biological drive. Sigh. I'm getting more and more excited about the prospects of embryo adoption, but I know that I need to more fully resolve my feelings surrounding our inability to have our children in order to proceed with that option. I just don't know how to get there.

Well, I guess for today, I should just keep going with the plan. That means getting off my butt and going for a jog.

Damn you, universe!

I got back from a two-day conference for work last night. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. My company had a vendor booth, so between seminars and during breaks I had to schmooze, which is loathsome to me on its own. Add to that the fact that the woman manning the booth right next to ours was about 6-7 months pregnant, and a woman I know who was milling around was clearly about 8-9 months pregnant. I was horrified, depressed, and completely lost in my messed up mind. I wanted to be anywhere but there.

There is no escaping IF. I feel like it smacks me in the face everywhere and anywhere, when I least expect it, even. Work should be a safe zone, but of course it's not because I have to hear about others' grandchildren, children and expected babies. Friends and family offer no safety. Even the freaking gym isn't safe because of the pregnant women there. Event though our own home doesn't really feel safe from IF, as in I am reminded of IF while here because there's these 2 empty bedrooms and all, it still feels like the safest place to be because I can hide from the world. And, that's about all I want to do right now.

Can I just repeat how much I HATE IF?!

$38,000

We received a quarterly update from our insurance last night. Since July 1st, I got $19k in drugs and had another $19k in services. Unbelievable. And, there's nothing to show for it. Unfathomable. The worst, though, is that I don't see how we could ever responsibly do IVF again at $20k a pop. I'm so depressed.