AF Finally

Woke up to AF this morning. I don't know if woke up is the right term since I barely slept. Glad it's finally here, but the cramps are pretty killer.

Spoke to the donor embryo program coordinator at our clinic yesterday. There are only 5 or 6 couples waiting right now. They don't do a lot of these. She said that what ends up taking the most time is that the donors drag their feet on getting tested, which makes sense since. She wouldn't put a timeframe on how long the wait might be; however, she did caution that all of our testing would have to have been done within a year of the transfer. So, i took the name of the financial counselor for that program and will call her sometime soon. I also intend to call our IVF financial counselor. I imagine at this point we no longer qualify for financial share programs, but I figured I'll ask. I'd like to have as much background info. as I can before we talk to Dr. E. again.

Day 4 of the 5-month plan, here I come.

Cruel Irony

I'm a person of Irish heritage who finds four -leaf clovers with relative ease. Somehow, they just jump out at me without me having to truly look for them. Apparently, this was the case for my father, too. Anyway, during this last 2WW, I would actively look for one as I walked the dog each day for a sign that this cycle would work. Of course, I never found one and I knew it was because I was actually looking.

I just got back from walking the dog this morning. I found TWO four-leaf clovers. Cruel irony? Yesterday, I begged the universe to give me a sign to help us figure out which path we should choose from here. Are the four-leaf clovers the sign? And, if so, what do they mean? Have I just completely lost my mind? Sigh....

We ended up going to the movies with friends last night, and saw a preview for a movie called something like, "The Odd Life of Timothy Bean." Why does Jennifer Garner play an infertile so often, or does it just seem that way to me? She's anything but.
 
OK, enough nonsensical rambling. Onto Day 2 of the 5-month plan - another jog, then chores.

First Day of the 5 Month Plan

So, I devised a 5-month plan for us yesterday. We are going to take that long of a break to educate ourselves on all of the options swimming around in our heads, save some more money, get ourselves feeling physically better (my DH needs to lose some weight, and I need a break from hormones), and take care of some things that will help us move ahead with whichever direction we choose. Those things include following up with some other medical issues that there's just been no time to address, finally getting some ceilings patched and painted in the house, and just generally ready for either a home study or pregnancy.

I also signed us up for the Resolve New England conference in a few weeks so that we can learn more about adoption and donor embryos. Finally, our IVF #2 cycle goes for case review in a couple of weeks and we have another WTF on Nov. 10th, where we can talk other options over with Dr. E. And, of course, we'll be trying naturally in the meantime.

All in all, I feel OK about taking such a long break. Having a list for us to chip away at helps in that I feel like we're at least moving towards something, even if we don't know yet what that certain something is. I am a person who needs to feel like I'm actively pursuing my goals. I'm sure come January, I'm going to get antsy to forge ahead with something/anything. But, I know our next decision is probably the most important one we'll ever make, so I've got to give its time.

So far on Day 1 of 5-month plan, I got a 3.6 mile jog in and hope to go play some tennis with DH. 

BFN Again

I so wish I hadn't POAS on Wed. night. I got a faint positive that was gone by Thurs. morning. It totally messed with my mind. Up until then I was pretty confident in my negativity. Then, I got this glimmer of hope only to be shattered again.

I still can't figure out why we're being punished this way.

We have no idea where we go from here. I was up crying at 3am, and finally got my DH at 5am. We talked a little. Everything from now on gets $$$ and scary. So, today is about wallowing. Tomorrow will be about picking up the pieces.

Ready to be done

5dp3dt, and I don't even know if I'll bother to POAS at all. I'm sick of the PIO. I'm having crazy dreams, emotions are getting to me (anger more than sadness) and I am craving junk food. I just want next weekend to come so I can start to clear my system of all this crap.

I guess I'll POAS Fri. morning before I go in for the beta blood-draw, just to ensure that any residual hope I may be harboring deep down is fully nixed before I get that phone call while at work.

I feel like this 2nd attempt was a complete waste of time and energy. But, I can't take it back now.

I'm reading an adoption book. I'm overwhelmed; however, I feel like I'll be ready to tackle that process in the new year, after I've had a chance to feel like myself again for a bit. I hope I can get DH on the same page by then.

Starting to Accept

I slept a lot last night. More than I have in weeks. Maybe it was catching up, maybe it was just depression. But, I'd like to think that it's me beginning to move on. I think I'm reaching to point of accepting that we will not have biological children. However, I'm having a really, really hard time with the idea of never being pregnant and having the miraculous experience of giving birth. So, I'm thinking more and more about embryo adoption. And, I don't know if DH is warm to the idea yet.

In any event, I think I'm looking forward to a couple of months off from all of this. I'd like November and December to be about finding myself and us again. I feel like so much has suffered with basically cycling for four months. So, I'm anxious to get through the next 10 days as peacefully as possible, then getting back into running and the gym, and having fun with my husband. We can tackle the next steps in 2012. I need a break from what has been a very long 2011.

I sought some solace in The Bump boards yesterday. There are some wonderful ladies who assured me that even crappy quality embryos have resulted in successful pregnancies. I know that's true, but I still don't feel on a very deep level that this stands a chance. Maybe it is a super-strong defensive reflex. And, maybe I'll be surprised by how disappointed I am when I get the official BFN, meaning I was harboring hope that I just can't acknowledge. But, I really just don't feel any. 

And, so it goes

Only two really poor quality embryos to transfer this morning. How wonderful to be told immediately before heading into the procedure room so that it was hard for me to control my sobbing during the transfer. I cried most of the 35 minute resting time. i fell asleep in the car on the way home - thanks to the valium I think.

It's over. This isn't going to work. It's never going to work. Getting through the progesterone shots and other b.s. until the 14th is going to suck. Having DH finally face the truth on the 14th is going to extra suck (he still believes).

Trying to figure out where we go from here is a daunting thought/task. Happy f*ing anniversary to us.

Day before transfer anxiety

There's only 3 embryos as of yesterday. Only 4 eggs were mature and only 3 fertilized. This is exactly where we stood last time, which doesn't make me feel hopeful. The only bright spot is that our fertilization rate was better - 3 out of 4 instead 3 out of 5. Maybe that means better egg quality?! I don't know.

I feel extremely bloated and uncomfortable today. I may have eaten too much and done too much the last couple of days. I'm hoping it goes down fast.

I'm dreading tomorrow morning. Please, please, please, embies, grow well. We want at least one of you to be our baby.

Retrieval done

Only got 6. I was pleasantly surprised that my own dr. did the procedure because it wasn't his normally scheduled day for procedures. I was pretty disappointed with the 6, but really, it's the fert. report that I care about. Tomorrow will be a long day of waiting.

Deflated and Defeated

Only 5 follies over 10 today. WTF?! That's worse than last time. The nurse tried to reassure me that the Ganirelix can really slow things down at first, but that there's still plenty of time. I don't feel hopeful, though. I feel utterly defeated, and full of dread and loathing for the rest of this mind-f*cking process.

WHAT?!

15 follies!!!!! Some were very small and probably stand no chance of catching up, but still, 15!!!!!!!!!!

I puked today. I'm 95% sure that I haven't thrown up since 1997. It was pathetic. I got a little motion-sickness riding around with a co-worker doing some field work. But, I got out of the car, walked around a bit and felt better. We finished our work, stopped for lunch and made our way back to the office - probably a 45 minute ride. We got within about 1.5 miles of the office and I had to make him pull over so that I could vomit all over somebody's lawn in the rain.  I think it was a combination of motion-sickness, leftover nerves from this morning and hormones.

Anyway, I started Ganirelix, and I keep up the 450/150 stims. I go back Sun. morning.

Day 5 of Stims

Tonight is the 5th night of stims. I'm feeling tired, very foggy-headed and bloated. I hope the bloat is from ovarian activity and not just because I'm getting fat.

I am nervous for tomorrow's ultrasound. I keep telling DH I want a baker's dozen of eggs because of the number of follicles counted at baseline. So, I suppose I've set myself up for disappointment. I hope not.

Funny Things I Do

Massive sleep deprivation (from stress-induced insomnia) and massive quantities of fertility drugs make me do funny things. This morning I went to the gym around 5:30 to ride on the spinner. I was 15 minutes into my ride before I realized that I had put my padded bike shorts on inside out! So, the huge diaper-like pad was very obviously on the outside! I finished my ride and before I got off the bike, I tied my long-sleeved shirt around my waist and beat a hasty retreat.

Tonight will be third night of stims. I have been very blase about the shots this time. And, I had yet another crying fit on DH last night. This morning, he seemed really upset. So, I finally made the decision to at least try to be neutral about this cycle. It may work. It may not. I'm not going to get hopeful. But, I also can't mourn it before it's even over.

So, that's it. I am Switzerland. Switzerland on drugs.

Ready, Set, Go

Starting stims tonight. I don't know how my AFC compares to last time, but there were 6 on the right and 7 on the left - sounds good to me. I'm doing 450 Follistim and 150 Menopur again. My personal goal is to get 8 mature eggs. Probably ambitious, but might as well shoot for the moon on the last try.

Now, if only I could figure out how to get some sleep. I am one stressed out insomniac these days.

Starting #2 - Holy Crap!

So, I stopped blogging because I didn't have anything new to say. I was still dealing with IVF failure, and expecting we wouldn't move ahead with our next and last cycle until October. Then my world got turned upside down. At my WTF appointment on 9/6, my RE said I could start again right away with a new protocol. Everything has happened so fast since then.

First, our RE felt like I responded reasonably well to the last protocol (Microdose Flare Lupron); however, only 5 out of the 9 eggs retrieved were mature. So, the goal with the next cycle is to try to get a better rate of mature eggs. Otherwise, our fertilization rate was good, the embryo quality was average, and there's no reason he can point to for our failure. He and I had it out a bit over transferring only one, and in the end, he agrees that we should transfer two, if we're lucky enough to have the option, next time.

So, I'm doing an EPP-antagonist protocol this time. I started wearing estrogen patches on Tues. And, of course, my period showed up in the wee hours of this morning. So, now I'm concerned that only getting in 2 estrogen patches will not be enough to have the desired affect. I'm also terribly worried that at tomorrow's baseline, they're going to find a cyst or something that prevents us from moving froward. I have no reasons to think this might happen, as I've never had cysts. I just pessimistically think that the last 2 weeks of trying to mentally prepare myself to go through this torture again so soon will all be for naught.

I also feel like I'm already mourning cycle #2's inevitable failure, which is a TERRIBLE way to go into this process. I don't know why I'm having such a difficult time finding hope. We have about the same chance going in as we did with the last one, according to my RE. I guess it's my way of trying to protect myself from devastation. But, really, I'm going to be devastated if it doesn't work because this is the end of the treatment road for us. So, why prolong the agony? I should just be hopeful, and enjoy my last few weeks of thinking it's possible. So, here's to a clean ultrasound and good bloodwork tomorrow, so we can get this show on the road.